NFL Week 5

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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1:00 p.m. ET

St. Louis at Detroit (-3)

The Lions think you're sellouts, Rams. Oooh! Look at you with your 2 wins! Fancy! You think you can just dabble in failure for a few years? A decade? HA! True failure, pure failure, is something you do for decades. It's a lifestyle. It's a way of life. It's something you live and breath on and off the field.

Take the Lions fight song, for example. Most bad teams would forget the little detail of having an embarrassing fight song that sounds like a rejected Clay Aiken song. But the Lions are more than a bad team. They are a bad institution.

My pick: Detroit

Green Bay at Washington (+3)

It's too bad Brett Favre doesn't still play for the Packers because everyone could make a lot of string cheese-related jokes this week.

My pick: Green Bay

Denver at Baltimore (-7)

Word is Joe Flacco is a STAR now because he threw a pass to a wide open Touraj Houshmandzadeh to beat the Steelers last week! YAY! Good for you, Joe!

Except, I remember hearing how awesome he was in years past, only to see him then go out and play like complete crap again. And then he'd have another decent game and become … A STAR! And then another string of sucking. And then again … A STAR!

It's almost like he's just a very average and inconsistent quarterback and that the football media has zero memory, is prone to baseless hype and just generally talks out of its ass. But, no. I'm sure this time … this time … it's legit and we now have … JOE FLACCO: NFL SUPERSTAR!

My pick: Denver

Jacksonville at Buffalo (+1.5)

Oooh! Trent Edwards can prove to the Bills that they never should have let him go by sitting on the bench for the Jaguars better than he sat on the bench for Buffalo. THE ULTIMATE REVENGE!

My pick: Buffalo (and to win)

Kansas City at Indianapolis (-7)

The Chiefs are the NFL's only undefeated team and they had an entire bye week to prepare for knocking off the Colts. Although I'm afraid the extra downtime gave them a chance to think to themselves: "3-0? Oh, crap. We're not that good. We're not that good at all. We're in way over our heads. We're going to get killed."

My pick: Indianapolis

Atlanta at Cleveland (+3)

I'm not a Browns fan, but it was nice to see them get a win last week. You never want any team to go winless and a victory gave Eric Mangini the rare opportunity to smile.

Unfortunately, watching Eric Mangini smile is disgusting. In recent years he has been quickly ascending through the coaching weight classes towards Andy Reid and Charlie Weis territory. But in the offseason he lost a ton of weight.

And he looks awful.

It turns out Mangini is one of those fat people who looks terrible in normal human size. His face is all gaunt and pale. His skin looks loose. His eyes are buggy and seemingly adrift from their usual fat-protected docking stations. It's horrid. Mangini has the dreaded weight loss cancer-AIDS.

So let's take a look at the top ways Eric Mangini looks terrible:

4. being normal-sized
3. being fat
2. begin skinny
1. coaching football

My pick: Atlanta

Tampa Bay at Cincinnati (-7)

No one cares about this game. What we care about is Tuesday night on Versus when the "T.Ocho Show" debuts. Yes, the "T.Ocho Show," which will be like Terrell Owens' reality show or Ochocinco's reality show, only with twice the failure. It will be like "Freddy vs. Jason" if Freddy and Jason were boring douchebags.

My pick: Tampa Bay

Chicago at Carolina (-1)

Jay Cutler is out this week with a concussion. Here is what he looked like before he got a concussion:
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And here is what he looks like with a concussion:
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Poor guy. It's tough to look at.

My pick: Carolina

New York Giants at Houston (-3)

Brian Cushing makes his return to the Texans this week. He, of course, was suspended due to -taking a ton of steroids- suffering from Over-Trained Athlete (OTA) syndrome, which seems like a very believable COUGHbullshitCOUGH story.

And excuse me for the coughing. I think I might be coming down with something. I hope it's not dreaded OTA!

My pick: Houston

4:05 p.m. ET

New Orleans at Arizona (+7)

Max Hall, an undrafted rookie from BYU, is now Arizona's starting quarterback. Max Hall? More like … more like … Max SCREWED, am I right? Hey-ohhhhhhhhh!

My pick: New Orleans***

4:15 p.m. ET

San Diego at Oakland (+6.5)

The Chargers two wins this year are by an average of 28 points. But their two losses, both on the road, are by an average of 7 points. My point? A) That the Chargers have struggled so far on the road; and B) I can do simple division! Suck it, Mrs. Coggler, 4th grade teacher-bitch! I told you I'd prove you wrong!!!

My pick: San Diego

Tennessee at Dallas (-7)

Dallas has won its last five games after a bye. Now, if this was a Patriots statistic, everyone would say it's because Bill Belichick is a mastermind genius who easily defeats anyone if he has time to prepare. But since it's Wade Phillips, I think people will just assume he raises the team's spirits with off-week trips to Cracker Barrel.

My pick: Tennessee

8:20 p.m. ET

Philadelphia at San Francisco (-3.5)

Kevin Kolb vs. Alex Smith. Yikes. The NBC crew will have trouble pretending this game is worth watching. Now the NBC Sports department knows what it feels like to work for the NBC All Other Shows department.

My pick: Philadelphia (and to win)

Monday night — 8:35 p.m. ET

Minnesota at New York Jets (-4)

It's a shame these alleged Brett Favre tapes don't have a signature sign-off like the Tiger Woods voice mails did so we can all parody it. You know, something like: "You've got to do this for me. Small; average-sized at best. Quickly."

My pick: New York Jets

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Last week vs. spread: 5-9

Last week just winners: 9-5

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Season vs. spread: 26-34-2

Season just winners: 38-24

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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-1

***Lukewarm Locks this season: 2-4


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