Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.
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1:00 p.m. ET
Cincinnati at Cleveland (+3)
What was the big surprise over Ochocinco's cereal having a phone sex line number listed on the box? We're shocked that something marketed as "honey nut" is perverted?
The Honey Nut Cheerios bee doesn't even wear pants.
My pick: Cincinnati
Denver at Tennessee (-7)
The Broncos are 3-10 since last November. Now they face games at Tennessee, at Baltimore and home versus the Jets. They could easily fall to 1-5 on the season and 3-13 in the past year.
No doubt Josh McDaniels saw this coming and that's why he drafted Tim Tebow. Give it to us, Tim!
[[[chat]]]Tebow: Mark 10:31 says "The first shall be last and the last shall be first."
Denver: Yay! Suck it, Chiefs![[[/chat]]]
My pick: Denver
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-1.5)
Oh, Ravens. You thought the division was yours for the taking this year. And then Chardennis Baxon and the Steelers decided to show you that they still have a better defense and four quarterbacks (possibly five counting Randle-El) who are better than your starter.
Worst of all, the Steelers are prepared to challenge — and defeat — Ray Lewis in a dance-off. Rashard Mendenhall? Do the serving …
My pick: Pittsburgh
Detroit at Green Bay (-14.5)
I hate to do this, but Jahvid Best has been on the Lions for a month now and they're still terrible — 0-3 on the season, 3-40 since Week 10 of the 2007 season.
It's time he starts wearing this jersey:
My pick: Green Bay
Carolina at New Orleans (-14)
John Fox at his press conference this week: "We are what we are and that is what I'm trying to change so we're not that."
So, basically, Fox thinks the Panthers are who we think they are. But he's not going to let them off the hook.
My pick: New Orleans
San Francisco at Atlanta (-7)
The 49ers fired their offensive coordinator this week. All together now: "The 49ers had an offensive coordinator?" ZING!
My pick: Atlanta
Seattle at St. Louis (+1.5)
It's hard to get a handle on either of these teams. The Rams' two losses are by a combined 5 points. The Seahawks crushed the 49ers, got crushed by Broncos and beat the Chargers. But they're both in the NFC West, so let's just assume they're terrible. That's feels right.
My pick: St. Louis (and to win)
New York Jets at Buffalo (+6)
From the New York Post this week:
And, yes, that's right — the body text says "you can't help the imagination from running wild." Really? Can't you? I look forward to the upcoming column titled: "No denying I'm now gay."
My pick: New York Jets
4:05 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+8)
David Garrard remains terrible. So this week the Jaguars signed Trent Edwards, which understandably got a mixed reaction from Jaguars fans. Kevin liked the deal, but Brian thought it was a bad move.
My pick: Indianapolis***
Houston at Oakland (+3.5)
The Raiders had a win locked up last Sunday, but then Sebastian Janikowski blew a short field goal in the final seconds.
Clearly Janikowski messed up his pre-game drinking routine last Sunday. Always remember, Sebastian: "Liquor before beer, in the clear; Beer before liquor, they'll probably sign a new kicker."
My pick: Houston
4:15 p.m. ET
Arizona at San Diego (-8.5)
Oooh! An NFC West vs. AFC West matchup! It's like two different brands of failure duking it out!
I wonder which will win out: suck or blow.
My pick: Arizona
Washington at Philadelphia (-6)
McNabb, they're not saying "Boo!" they're saying:
WE HOPE YOU DIE IN A PLANE CRASH YOU PIECE OF SH*T MOTHERF*CKER!!!
Thought you should know.
My pick: Philadelphia
8:20 p.m. ET
Chicago at New York Giants (-4)
Cutler vs. Eli Manning. It will definitely be entertaining. I just think the Benny Hill music will get annoying after three hours.
My pick: Chicago
8:35 p.m. ET
New England at Miami (+1)
So apparently Tony Sparano has an eye condition. That's why he wears sunglasses all the time.
And what hurt his eyes?
Why, years of looking at Bill Parcells' FUPA, of course.
My pick: New England
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Last week vs. spread: 7-9
Last week just winners: 10-6
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Season vs. spread: 21-25-2
Season just winners: 29-19
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 1-0
***Lukewarm Locks this season: 2-3