New Orleans kicker Garrett Hartley, who everyone on the Saints agrees is most of the time a "totally worthless gaywad," briefly became useful last night in the final seconds to win the game for his teammates.
"Kicking is for pussies and it should be removed from football forever," said Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey. "But thank God for that little queerbate tonight or there's no way we would have won."
The diminutive, 5-foot-8 kicker, who was reportedly close to being cut after missing two kicks in the Saints' Week 1 win, accounted for all of New Orleans' scoring in the 4th quarter against the stout 49ers' defense with three field goals — splitting the uprights from 46 and 19 yards, as well as the game-winning 37-yarder.
"I had half a mind to just go for it on fourth down when those drives stalled to prove the point to the world that placekicking has no place in a man's game," said Saints coach Sean Payton. "But then I thought: 'Nah, maybe that can wait until next week. We should probably just win the game for now.'"
The 49ers were defiant in defeat.
"If that's the way they want to win, whatever," said San Francisco running back Frank Gore. "They'll all have to look in the mirror, and all they'll see is that fruitcake kicker looking back at them."
The Saints said they would reward Hartley's efforts by skipping his customary in-flight wedgie session on the return trip to New Orleans. However, he would still receive swirlies.
"Winning the game or not, he's still not a real football player," said Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma. "And those toilets aren't going to clean themselves."