Tony Dungy Disapproves of What You Just Did

Now you've done it. You've disappointed Tony Dungy.

Oh, come on. Don't pretend you don't know what you just did. It was an abomination. And if you truly don't know what you just did or think what you did was okay, well — then your moral code is more wicked than Tony Dungy imagined.

So that makes you either a sinner or truly evil. Either way, you're going to have to start living the right way or risk the continued scorn of Tony Dungy.

That's right, Tony Dungy — the guy who found a way to coach Peyton Manning over the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. And he also had some decent seasons with the Buccaneers. In these dark times of ours, he is one of our only beacons of light because — in addition to all of that awesome football success — he doesn't curse and, we can assume, does not cheat on his wife.

And now you've disgusted this American hero and moral champion with your behavior.

Lucky for you, there's one way you can return to his good graces. You must meet with him. And, over a period of 5 to 30 minutes or so, he will talk with you and see how you behave and, using his infinite wisdom, determine if you are a good person. Then, if you are lucky, he will inform the world that you have earned his approval.

What makes him better than you? What makes his set of morals superior to yours? Are you serious? Do we have to cover the Peyton Manning, Buccaneers and not cursing stuff again? Plus, he has actively marketed himself as a moral leader. Have you done that? No. Because you are not a moral leader. And, based on what you just did that earned Mr. Dungy's disapproval, you are, in fact, depraved.

So go. Reach out to him and take this, your one shot at redemption. Just don't reach out too much because that could be perceived as kind of gay. And then you'll make Tony Dungy throw right up.