The 7 Types of Impostor Sports Fans

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Videogame kids can oftentimes succeed socially with the normals, but sometimes they fail to do so because their digital realities taint their actual ones.

The Gamer gleans his knowledge of rosters and gameplay from his brief flings with various EA Sports titles, meaning that in his mind, Jake Delhomme can actually throw 25 touchdowns a game. Nevertheless, he'll play the role of a sports fan to get by with the fellas, but in his heart he's stomping anthropomorphic mushrooms, playing sacred ocarinas, and doing whatever else it is that keeps him coming back to that leaky beanbag chair in his basement.

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The Icebreaker is someone in a leadership position who's required to be friendly to tons of semi-acquaintances on a daily basis but doesn't have the energy or desire to interact with them in a particularly personal way. Maybe a pastor or an R.A., the Icebreaker will jumpstart most of his conversations with the line, "Did you see the game last night?"

Whether or not he actually saw the game is irrelevant, as he won't stick around long enough to talk specifics. In most cases, the Icebreaker has a goatee, or at the very least a soul patch. It's still unclear what this indicates, but perhaps it's that all people with goatees are deceptive and insincere.

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Neither pretty nor a dude nor an athlete that receives any kind of validation, the Female Jock has turned to being outspoken about sports in a last-ditch effort to flourish socially.

Usually heard arguing across bars or living rooms in her husky baritone, the Female Jock will adopt the personality of a hulked up, hairy-knuckled sideline reporter for several years until she eventually realizes it's not her niche, at which point she'll take work as the lady who waves the "Drive Slowly" sign near road construction.

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The son of a fiercely devoted fan, the Daddy's Boy has to feign loyalty to his papa's team to earn the respect lost by not becoming a player for said team.

Dragged along to games his entire life but really only interested in watching the JumboTron, he gives off the same kind of vibe as a closeted gay dude who's trying to fend off suspicion among his male friends that he's gay by saying cartoonishly straight things, even though it's pretty obvious to everyone that he's gay.

"The offense really seems to have a lot of heart tonight," he might say, as they give up their seventh consecutive turnover. In other words, the guy's an impostor.

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The average state university undergrad really enjoys feeling like they're "a part of something," which is adorable, but it can also be obnoxious. Example: doughy girl in the jersey and face paint at the White Castle drive-thru, honking and hollering the team fight song to the cars behind her, expressing what she thinks is team spirit but is actually just her way of getting psyched to eat a Crave Case.

The Clinger Fan knows nothing about sports, but loves to be totally unhinged in a stadium with thousands of like-minded peers, wearing the same colors and shouting in unison. She mistakes that energy as fandom, as undying allegiance to a team, but, truthfully, she'd just rather not be stuck alone in the dorm, taking Facebook quizzes about which Jonas Brother she's best suited to marry.

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When Jay-Z rapped that he made "the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can," he was touching on an entire industry of impostor fandom, namely people who wear New Era caps just to be fashionable.

Wikipedia notes the high demand for these caps in "urban centers and within the hip hop, emo, hardcore, and skater cultures," — which is Wikipedia for "black people and kids with tight jeans."

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Regardless of whether they've been athletes or team owners in the past, something about becoming a politician depletes U.S. presidents of any true fandom. Perhaps it's the way they fake support to win votes, or maybe it's the way they have to analogize everything sports-related to make it seem more consequential than it is.

Whatever it is, when a commander-in-chief opens his mouth about sports, suddenly sinking a three-pointer or hitting a home run is somehow about our country's resilience in trying times instead of, y'know, having good reflexes or whatever.

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