#9 — Heisman Trophy Winner
Most players enter the NFL full of promise. Former Heisman trophy winners enter the league just hoping they don't end up like O.J. or – even worse – Eric Crouch. Just look at Matt Leinart. He was once cut in favor of Derek Anderson (Derek Anderson!) and is now a backup in Oakland, but he's arguably had an above average pro career for a post-1985 Heisman winner. The extended stiff arm on the Heisman trophy should really have its palm facing upwards as if to ask, "Any spare change? I washed out of the NFL, and the car dealership I tried to open back in my old college town went bust. Nobody wants to catch a pass or buy a Honda from me."
This person's second job: Memorabilia tour regular.
#10 — Production Assistant on an Athlete's Reality Show
Might want to start shopping that resume around, champ. Something's telling us there ain't gonna be a second season. If we want to see awkward, stilted conversations with members of the opposite sex, we've got our own lives.
This person's second job: celebrity blogger.
#11 — Kansas City Royals General Manager
Look, we're going to need for you to field a competitive team in the same league as the Yankees, Rangers, Angels and Red Sox, but there's a slight problem: you're not going to have any money. Now, we're more than willing to give you the 40 bucks we've got in our wallets, but beyond that, you're on your own in terms of finding player payroll. We'd suggest looking under the couch cushions in the clubhouse. There's usually at least some change in there; one time we even found a quarter! Got it? Great. Just make sure you win at least 85 games, or you're fired. Now, we've got some errands to run. You don't know a liquor store that can cash a $30 million revenue-sharing check, do you?
This person's second job: Tampa Rays general manager.
#12 — Guy Who Puts the Yellow First-Down Line on the Field
You've got to feel sorry for this poor bastard. He puts that beautiful and convenient first-down line on the screen for all of us watching at home, and he does a hell of a good job. Yet every time there's a close call on whether a spot is good enough for a new set of downs, those jackasses in the announce booth always say: Remember, this yellow line is not official … like he just arbitrarily slapped it up there wherever he felt like putting it. Seriously, have you ever seen this guy's yellow line be anything other than a 100% accurate?
Still, Joe Buck and Al Michaels won't show him even the slightest bit of respect. Some day he'll snap and put the yellow line on Troy Aikman's face. That'll teach 'em! Well, that and the baseball bat he brings to work on the same day will teach 'em!
This person's second job: Starving, genius artist.
#13 — Big Ten Basketball Scout
Sure, they'll act all defensive and say that there's nothing better than watching Wisconsin take on Iowa, but don't fall for their lies. Big Ten basketball spectators would kill to be certain that any time they headed to a game both teams' scores would get out of the high 40s. Instead, they're stuck watching the hardwood equivalent of Ambien. Spare us your rationalizing talk of fundamentals and playing the game the right way, Big Ten. You'd trade all of the lower-level Northwestern season tickets in the world to know what an alley-oop looks like when you see it in person.
This person's second job: American League Central scout.
#14 — WNBA Season Ticket Salesperson
All that's in your office is a desk, a chair, a phone, and a poster of Lisa Leslie. You're pretty sure the phone works, but since you've never received a call you can't be certain. Some day you'll get a chance to move up to the big time, like selling season tickets for the Continental Indoor Football League. Until then, though, you'll sit hoping the phone will ring to save you from the indignity of having to go hand out 8,000 extra tickets in front of the local mall on every game day. It's all of the glitz and glamour of scalping combined with none of the financial rewards!
This person's second job: Florida Marlins ticket salesperson.
#15 — Eli Manning
Sometimes the worst jobs seem glamorous to outside observers. Come on, Eli Manning? He's a starting quarterback in New York! But one look at Eli's face – which is always clearly telegraphing that he's less than 10 seconds away from weeping – and you'll know better. This guy's got more Super Bowl rings than his big brother, but everyone treats him like the local half-wit who managed to win a hundred bucks on a scratch-off lottery ticket.
Being Eli is literally a dirty job, too. Thanksgiving dinner at the Manning house and the dog poops on the rug. Who's cleaning it up? Peyton? Archie? Cooper? Whatever-Mrs.-Manning's-first-name-is? Hardly. You know Eli's the one putting down his stuffing and picking up a bottle of Carpet Science. No wonder he always looks so
This person's second job: Cat vomit cleaner.