In this economy, it's nice just to have a job. Except maybe these sports job.
#1 — Dugout Cleaner
The next time you watch a baseball game, pay attention to the players in the dugout. They're great at putting things in their mouths, but they're physically incapable of keeping them there. Sunflower seeds, tobacco juice, swishes of Gatorade … they all get spat back onto the dugout floor until they form a thick sludge of disgustingness. By the bottom of the ninth inning, everyone's spikes-deep in a goo so foul that it's right on the verge of becoming a sentient being and attacking the clubhouse, and it's someone's job to clean it up. Did you get it all clean, guy? Great! Savor this moment. There are only 80 more home games this season!
This person's second job: Port-a-John repairman.
#2 — Financial Advisor
This poor guy spent four years getting an undergrad finance degree and another two years picking up his MBA, but none of his athlete clients listen to him. He gives them solid hedge fund picks and finds creative ways to make their money grow, but their eyes glaze over when he offers his advice. Then the jocks go out and spend their money on solid gold cars and opening a sports bar named after their jersey number. Would anyone blame him for selling a client $3 million worth of Pets.com stock, then moving to Switzerland under an assumed name? We certainly wouldn't.
This person's second job: President of the Tea Party of the Kingdom of Dubai.
#3 — Pro Wrestling Jobber
The WWE may call all of its wrestlers superstars, but some guys are very clearly the opposite of stars. The jobbers are the poor saps who have to walk to the ring and get their asses handed to them by the big names. They spend their lives with their heads wedged into some sweaty guy's armpit, just waiting to be suplexed or DDT-ed through a table. One false move during the fake fighting and they could end up with a serious injury or worse still, trapped under one of Ric Flair's breasts. Probably not what they were hoping for when they did those 47 cycles of steroids; losing every night isn't worth even a little bacne.
This person's second job: Substitute gym teacher.
#4 — Children's Sports Referee
You got into this job because you love sports and have a passion for their intricacies and rules, but now you're forced to watch the games you love get desecrated every Saturday morning. Handballs. Pop-ups that fall harmlessly to the dirt. Passes that don't even reach the line of scrimmage. It's enough to pain your soul. No, kill your soul.
Worse still, you have sit and listen to a pack of idiotic parents applaud this sort of mediocrity. Not even Jon Gruden could find something nice to say about Little Billy's throwing motion, but still, he gets rewarded with an orange slice and a pat on the back after the game. It's sickening. All you can do is make the right calls and hope that if anyone sees you in your uniform they mistake you for something more dignified, like a Foot Locker employee.
This person's second job: Lady Foot Locker employee.
#5 — Catch-Can Man
Want to work in auto racing, but worry that you won't be able to find a job that plays to your true passion of being splashed with gasoline? Don't fret; we've got the perfect position for you. Each pit crew employs a catch-can man who goes over the wall to service the car during a pit stop.
The catch-can man's job is to hold a small can to catch any overflow as the gas man fills the tank. Basically, this guy sits and inhales exhaust fumes all day until it's time to shine by having overflowing gas sloshed on him. Cheer up, though, nothing's sexier or more comfortable than an asbestos jumpsuit!
This person's second job: Oil spill pelican cleaner.
#6 — Baseball Card Shop Owner
When he opened his shop back in '88, this guy had visions of riding the sports card craze to a new mansion and someday trading his Alvaro Espinoza rookie card for an Italian sports car. Twenty-plus years later he's still in the same seedy strip mall, still wearing the same mustard-stained t-shirt, and still watching the same 14-inch TV behind the counter. He's also grumbling about how none of those damn kids come in anymore now that they've got their Pokemons and their Razor Scooters and their sexting.
Don't feel totally bad for him, though. Those sealed cases of '91 Upper Deck that he used to refer to as My Retirement Fund will provide quite a bit of warmth when he has to burn them after the gas company shuts off his heat, which should be happening sometime in the next couple of months.
This person's second job: Beanie Babies shop owner.
#7 — Horse Track Stable Cleaner
You've got to feel for anyone whose employee orientation sounds like this: "Hi, welcome to your new job at the racetrack! You'll be dealing with some of the world's most majestic creatures here. Actually, to be more specific, you'll be dealing with their poop. Here's a pitchfork. Pile it over there. Oh, and try not to take too many breaks. Horse poop is like the mail; it never stops coming."
This person's second job: Dugout cleaner.
#8 — Fantasy League Commissioner
The one saving grace for most of the jobs on this list is that at least you get paid. This poor sap can't even console himself with $8 an hour. Being a fantasy league commissioner is literally a thankless task. Not a single person has ever said "Thanks, man," to their fantasy commissioner — and is it ever a task. First you've got to round up 11 of your idiot friends and get them to sign up for the league, then you've got to hound them for their $50 entry fee and listen to them bitch and moan about the scoring rules and the draft pick that Yahoo randomly assigned them. That's just before the season, too!
Things get even worse when the games start. You're flooded with emails that read like Supreme Court briefs on why trades aren't fair, you're asked to fix the roster of the one guy who just stopped logging into the league page after starting out 0-3, and you're probably not going to make the playoffs. One season of this and you can see why Bud Selig just quit trying 15 years ago.
This person's second job: Stay-at-home parent.