Every college has it’s own unique football gameday traditions.
Yet these 13 people show up at every game at every school in the country.
#1 — The Visiting Parents
They drove five hours to come see their kid at college and thought they could all take in a game together. They would think that. Idiots. Jesus, do they not realize how embarrassing they are? Their kid has lived on his own at school for, like, a few weeks now. He’s grown. The last thing he needs is his mom and dad asking about whether or not he’s made friends and how his classes are. Just shut up and try to make it through the next 36 hours without humiliating him too much, MOM. Oh, and they’re going to Target after the game. There’s a bunch of stuff he needs them to buy for his dorm room.
#2 — The Rich Alumnus
This guy might be the easiest to spot: he’s wearing a blazer that’s the school’s color just beneath a regal shock of silver hair. He has several dormitories and lecture halls names after him around the campus. He’s happy to sport the school colors and come to a football game, but he wishes that the boys would engage in some of the more dignified pursuits students enjoyed in his day, like polo, ballroom dancing, and segregation.
#3 — The Guy Who Bet His Allowance on the Game
This kid’s parents gave him $2500 for his expenses this semester, and he was planning on saving it. Then he saw the first half line for this game was State (-3). Come on, that’s easy money. Or it was easy money, at least. Now State’s trailing by six with a minute left in the second quarter, and he’s wondering if he should parlay Tech with the over for the second half to recoup his losses. And if that doesn’t work? He’s pretty sure he can fend off his bookie long enough to transfer back home to community college under an assumed name.
#4 — The Lonely Alumnus
He’s 39 years old, balding, and sporting pleated Dockers. He buys a single season ticket on the 50-yard line in the lower level but usually ends up sitting in the student section because that’s where the girls are, man. He’ll awkwardly try to high-five anyone near him during the game, and after the final horn he’ll head over to his old frat house to look for a game of beer pong, leading scores of students to ask, Who the hell is that creepy old guy?
#5 — The Townie
If there’s one thing this dude loves, it’s this college team. He literally bleeds the school’s colors. (As long as the school’s color is some shade of red.) What? Did he attend the school? No way, dude. College is for pussies. Real men live in the one-room apartment above the cheap pizza place they worked at for 15 years. And are registered sex offenders.
#6 — The Booster
He may be overweight and in his late 40s, but this guy’s dressed in an official team-issued warmup suit. You get that sort of perk when you make an annual six-figure donation to the athletic department, not to mention the thousands he’s stuffed into duffel bags and given to recruits. If you can’t spot him based on the warmup suit, just listen for the guy — often with a mustache and pinkie ring — who screams, That’s not what I’m paying you for! after every bad play, then nervously looks around for NCAA compliance officers.
#7 — The Band
They thought playing in the marching band would be an awesome way to get great seats for every game. How wrong they were. Between the ridiculous feathered hat that falls down over their eyes and the pages of Sousa sheet music, their field of vision has dwindled to a meager inch and a half square, which gives them a great view of the right guard — and only the right guard — on any play happening between the 42 and 44 yard lines. On the plus side, nothing beats wearing a heavy knit-polyester outfit in the early September heat!
#8 — The Die-Hard Fan
This guy doesn’t just come to the games; he comes to the practices. He bet over a grand on the team’s spring scrimmage — lost when the worthless gold team couldn’t cover a three-point spread, of course. If he looks a little sleepy, it’s because he spent Friday night driving around the state trying to watch the 2012 recruiting class play in their high school game. He likes what he saw and thinks a BCS bid could be a real possibility in 2015. Don’t try to engage him in conversation; he’s listening to another conference game on his headset AM radio and worrying about the repercussions for that coveted bid in the Continental Tire Bowl.
#9 — The Nerds
These poor bastards have only been on campus for a few weeks and thought that taking in a football game might help them fit in. Theoretically, it would have, but they’ll blow their cover the first time they mistakenly call a touchdown a home run. Don’t cry for them, though. They’ll find their niche and spend the rest of college doing what they’re really good at: outperforming everyone else in class, playing Warcraft, and never talking to girls.
#10 — The Baby
Hey, Mom and Dad, you know what babies love? Putting on a school-colors onesie and heading to a stadium packed with 80,000 yelling, drunk football fans. It’s a great place to take a nap, and the fans around you totally won’t mind having their experience ruined by a screaming, crying infant. But, of course, you can’t miss the big game — excluding the 12 times you have to push your way out of the aisle during the game to change the kid’s diaper. Great call not dropping 25 bucks on a babysitter!
#11 — The International Student
You can find him by his accent, and if that fails, just look for the jackass who’s explaining to everyone around him that this isn’t real football. You might get tired of hearing how your team’s quarterback could never play for Arsenal, but whatever you do, don’t try to make him change the subject. He’s annoying this way. If he talks about something else, that girl you like will get roped in by his accent and hook up with him again.
#12 — The Attractive Girls
They’re not just any attractive girls. There are a lot of those at a college football game. No, these girls attend the game in a pack for the sole purpose of having people look at them. But don’t think they are just some dumb bimbos. No, they’re probably architecture and engineering majors because somehow they’ve managed to support and display substantial cleavage with just a few threads of team apparel. Wow. Hot and smart. You should totally ask them out. (No. You shouldn’t. They’re the exclusive property of the football players.)
#13 — The Guy With Alcohol Poisoning
You might not technically see this kid because he’s at the emergency room having his stomach pumped after too much tailgating, but you’ll definitely notice his absence. The empty seat he should have filled is suddenly free legroom for you. Cheers to you, guy who doesn’t know drinking 14 shots before 9 a.m. is a bad idea!
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See also … The 7 Kinds of College Football Programs