The 10 Types of Youth League Coaches

#1 — The Coach From the Stands

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This dad isn't going to actually coach the team. No way. That's a waste of time. He'll offer his kid all sorts of "helpful advice" from the stands, though.

"Choke up on that bat!"

"Set a better pick!"

"Aw, hell, we'll have to 'talk' about that one when we get home, won't we, son? This pussy league may not keep score because you're only six, but you and I both know damn well that you're losing 22-3. We'll see if you're a little hungrier for a win when I don't let you eat for the next four days."

#2 — The Creepy Coach

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Within a year or two, he won't even be allowed within 200 yards of a school or park, so he needs to get all of his coaching done now. Sure, parents will wonder why a 35-year-old bachelor wants to coach the girls' swim team, but maybe he's just passionate about the backstroke.

His coaching methods may seem a bit unconventional at first, but it's like they always say: the team that showers together in front of the coach wins together in front of the coach. (No one has actually ever said that, but it sounds convincing, right?)

Two regional titles and 14 felony indictments later he'll be stripped of his position.

#3 — The Eastern European Coach

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The Soviet Union collapsed 19 years ago, but the Eastern Bloc's compassionate training regimens live on through this coach. Whether it's berating a six-year-old gymnast with a flurry of expletive-laden Polish or telling a figure skater to stop crying and get back on the ice for a 14th straight hour of practice, this coach only cares about one thing: winning.

Well, winning and mustaches.

Often overheard saying: "Lots of good athlete begin first steroid cycle on ninth birthday! Bend over!"

#4 — The Nice Coach

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Winning, losing, it doesn't matter to this guy. He just wants for all of the kids to get a chance to play, get some exercise, and have fun … which is why his team absolutely blows.

They've been beaten by the mercy rule 15 times this season, but he never stops telling the team that he's proud of their effort and taking them for ice cream. The Nice Coach thinks he's helping his players by not putting too much pressure on them, but he's really teaching them that failure is okay. Orange slices are for losers, coach.

Years later, when everyone on the team is living at a YMCA or in a bus stop, they'll blame this wimpy coach for never teaching them the importance of winning.

#5 — The Angry Old Coach Without a Kid on the Team

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Nobody knows where this old bastard came from. He doesn't have a kid, much less a kid who plays on this team. The closest he's ever come to complimenting one of his players was spitting tobacco juice in his direction.

He's so old and grizzled he doesn't hit grounders to the players; he just sits on the tailgate of his truck and barks orders. By all indications, he hates the sport, the team, and pretty much everything else, but there he is every year, grousing about the league rule that makes him play each team member in every game. Not that it matters. They all suck equally badly anyway.

God, he wishes the league hadn't forced him to stop hitting players with his cane.


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