Skill Position Player Beaten Up By Non-Skill Position Player

Oregon receiver Jermichael Dyson is thought of as a deep threat who can stretch opposing defenses with his speed and his ability to jump over defenders and come down with the ball. But Ducks long-snapper Todd Kolcyzk discovered yesterday that Dyson's impressive skill set does not include the ability to take a punch to the kidneys.

"For all the hype these skill position guys get, I thought I'd see how great they really are," said Kolcyzk, who punched Dyson from behind while the receiver was on the phone. "Not that great, it turns out. When he started spitting up blood I really lost all respect for him."

Dyson said he would consider suing Kolcyzk for the assault, but decided against it "because some day I'll be rich and playing in the NFL while he'll be stuck making minimum wage working at a lumber yard or something."

The teammates also sat down together to work through their differences and came to the agreement that quarterbacks are the biggest pussies of all.