NFL Week 1: Winners and Losers

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We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?

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Winners

1. Wes Welker — Take a look at this friggin' guy. While Randy Moss showed up to the postgame press conference to complain about his contract, Welker — off of a blown-out knee and 2 TDs — decided to show up in a sixpence cap and play the part of a turn-of-the-century Irish immigrant scrapper. The only way he could pander more to Boston fans would be to star in the next Ben Affleck Boston-is-so-wicked-hahd-yet-awesome movie. Or just call Randy Moss lazy.

2. Alex Barron — Who's the worst offensive lineman in football? Alex Barron, right? Easy question. Okay, quickly … who is the greatest offensive lineman of all-time? Any idea? I have no idea. Can you even name more than a handful of Hall of Fame offensive linemen? Let's see … Mike Webster, Anthony Munoz, Nate Newton … wait, no. Newton's not in the Hall of Fame, is he? I think I just remember his name 'cause he got busted with a van full of weed.

If you want to be a famous lineman, you either have to commit a hilarious crime or be really terrible. And Barron has managed to achieve fame. He is Barron Von Hold.

3. Matt Leinart — The Cardinals won, but Derek Anderson looked terrible. You have to assume Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt will end up looking stupid for picking Anderson over Leinart. Meanwhile, Leinart has moved on to a good team: the Houston Texans. ZOMG! I wonder if he knows Arian Foster! That guy is, like, a HUGE STAR!

4. Ben Roethlisberger — The Steelers won and Dennis Dixon didn't do anything that made him a threat to Roethlisberger's job over the long haul. Dixon will have to play much better in the next three weeks to get rid of Ben. Or I suppose Dixon could just wear some falsies, a short skirt and a pin that says "DTF" and let nature take its course.

5. two angels — Because every time Tim Tebow gets a snap, an angel gets its wings.

Losers

1. common sense — What a terrible rule. Calvin Johnson caught that ball under every definition of a catch outside of that stupid rule. But no big deal. It's only one game, you say. One game doesn't make or break a season. Well, it does in Detroit, guy! That win would have been 50-percent of their win total since December of 2007. (Jesus. That's depressing.)

2. Pete Carroll — Calm down. There's no need to celebrate every half-decent play. You beat the 49ers. Celebrating about beating them is embarrassing. To put it in college terms, that's like beating Washington State. No one cares. At USC that's barely worth a motorcycle, let alone a car. Relax.

3. football fans — Thank God. We get a season off from the Colts pursuing perfection and the annual MAJOR IMPORTANT debate about whether they should rest their starters or not as they near 16-0. Now we can just ignore the Colts until they lose in the playoffs.

4. Bob Sanders, Anthony Gonzalez, Paul Posluszny — I always pre-write this section for Week 1. What a time saver! Again!

5. Bengals — Maybe your punter should be the one with a reality show. He will be the true star of the team this year.


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