Jaguars Hoping New Vampire Quarterback Will Get Them Some Fans

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The Jacksonville Jaguars passed over local legend Tim Tebow in the NFL Draft, but they have signed a new player they hope will finally get some fans in the stands at Jacksonville Municipial Stadium: a real vampire.

"Vampires are the biggest thing going right now," said Jaguars general manager Gene Smith. "My daughter talks constantly about Twilight and True Blood and all those shows. Some people says it's just because she's unattractive and unpopular, but so what. We'll take any fans we can get."

Lord Randall will start at quarterback over David Garrard on Sunday. While he has no NFL experience, he has played for 110 years in various vampire leagues.

"I am excited for this opportunity," he said. "My only concern is adjusting to the speed of the NFL game. It's much slower than the vampire leagues. That and staying out of the sun."

Smith picked Lord Randall over other options because he expects the quarterback's looks to help his marketability.

"These vampires are very attractive," said Smith. "I mean, he's no Edward, that guy my daughter has on all of her posters, and he may not even be as hot as Tom Brady or Mark Sanchez. But he's definitely as good looking as that one vampire on True Blood. You know, the one married to that girl in The Piano."

Smith said he got the idea to sign a vampire from his time as a front office intern with the Arizona Cardinals in the 1980s when they signed the California Raisins.


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