Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season. Or, you know, sometimes on Thursday, apparently.
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1:00 p.m. ET
Carolina at New York Giants (-7)
The Giants are playing the first regular season game at the Meadowlands and their fans want a win. Although a loss will probably be fine as long as a lot of Springsteen and Jovi is played during the game.
My pick: New York Giants
Miami at Buffalo (+3)
Dolphins owner Stephen Ross believes Chad Henne can be the greatest quarterback in Dolphins history. Yes, even better than Dan Marino. That is absurd. That's like saying Stephen Ross could be the worst musician in the entire Dolphins ownership group, when everyone knows that's a four-way tie between Fergie, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez and Gloria Estefan.
My pick: Miami***
Atlanta at Pittsburgh (+2.5)
Atlanta and Pittsburgh have provided the NFL with two of its finest quarterback citizens in recent years in Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger. I wonder what kind of sick stuff Matt Ryan and Dennis Dixon are into. I bet they're working together and running a women assaulting ring.
My pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)
Detroit at Chicago (-6.5)
Jay Cutler is reportedly dating Kristin Cavallari, who is on a show called The Hills. Also, she used to date Matt Leinart. So expect to see this on an injury report soon "Questionable: Jay Cutler (some sort of stuff growing on his penis)."
My pick: Chicago
Cincinnati at New England (-4.5)
Chad Ochocinco says he will fire one of the rifles held by the Patriot mascots/minutemen if he scores in this game. I do not advise that. Marky Mark is a Patriots fan and he will exact his revenge.
My pick: New England
Cleveland at Tampa Bay (-3)
Tampa isn't too far from Miami. Maybe Lebron can come up to watch his favorite football team. Oh, right. He's a Cowboys fan. And a Yankees fan. And a massive frontrunning douchebag.
My pick: Cleveland (and to win)
Denver at Jacksonville (-3)
There will be a lot of Tim Tebow jerseys both college and pro in the stands for this game. I hope the rapture doesn't happen during the game or Jacksonville's stadium will look even more empty than normal.
My pick: Denver (and to win)
Indianapolis at Houston (+2.5)
Hey. Cool. Bob Sanders is healthy. Tune in to see his one game of the year.
My pick: Indianapolis
Oakland at Tennessee (-6)
When the Titans cut LeGarrette Blount a few days ago, this game became a lot less entertaining. Because with Blount, Vince Young and Tom Cable all on the same field together, we were guaranteed to see some punching.
My pick: Oakland
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4:15 p.m. ET
Green Bay at Philadelphia (+3)
Pregame. Midfield. Andy Reid walks up to Mike McCarthy. "Hey, Mike. Umm, so did you bring me that case of cheese like I asked?"
My pick: Green Bay
San Francisco at Seattle (+3)
Pete Carroll struggled in his first stint as an NFL head coach, but he'll be better this time around. He saw how New England improved after he left: by cheating. So then he cheated at USC. And now he'll probably bring that cheating philosophy to Seattle. Cheat Forever!
My pick: San Francisco
Arizona at St. Louis (+4)
Derek Anderson is taking the reins from Kurt Warner. And they actually have a similar life story, with time spent as a grocery store stock boy. It's just that Anderson's time as a grocery store stock boy won't begin for a few weeks.
My pick: Arizona
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8:20 p.m. ET
Dallas at Washington (+3.5)
So I came up with a good way for the Redskins to get Albert Haynesworth more involved. Before each play they just need to put a trail of crumbs betwen him and the quarterback.
My pick: Washington
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7:00 p.m. ET
Baltimore at New York Jets (-2.5)
Ray Lewis may be old, but he continues to add things to his game. For example, now he's capable of fleeing the scene on giant birds! Suck it, limos!
My pick: New York Jets
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10:15 p.m. ET
San Diego at Kansas City (+5)
The Chargers open the season with the Chiefs, Jaguars, Seahawks, Cardinals, Raiders and Rams. That is almost unfairly easy. Like getting to play the Chargers in the playoffs.
My pick: San Diego***
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8:30 p.m. ET
Minnesota at New Orleans (-6)
Brett Favre is back. So that's cool. Even better: Tracy Porter is back.
My pick: Minnesota
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Last week vs. spread: n/a
Last week just winners: n/a
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Last season vs. spread: 139-122-4
Last season just winners: 181-85
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: n/a
***Lukewarm Locks last season: 19-18