Bud Selig to give Nyjer Morgan a spanking

Following an incident Wednesday night where Nationals center fielder Nyjer Morgan charged Marlins pitcher Chris Volstad, starting a bench-clearing brawl, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced his intention to punish Morgan with a spanking. This occurred just one week after Morgan received a seven-game suspension for throwing a ball at a fan’s head. “He just wasn’t learning his lesson,” said Selig in a statement to the press. The spanking, expected to be administered this Saturday, will take place in Selig’s Milwaukee office. Nyjer’s bottom is scheduled to be smacked five or six times with an open hand to approximate the sensation of a paddle. “You know, this is something that no commissioner ever wants to do,” said Selig. “But as the saying goes, it’s going to hurt me more than it hurts him. I mean, what with my weak elderly wrists and his firm, muscular physique, I’ll probably be feeling it halfway into next week.” No word has been given as to whether Morgan will be allowed to keep his pants up, nor whether he’ll receive a hug five minutes later when the tears dry.