Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.
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1:00 p.m. ET
Tennessee at New York Giants (-3)
Vince Young shared some very important information with the world this week on Twitter:
Now Young is in New York to play Eli and Giants. You can get great seafood in New York. I bet Young tells Eli about his love of seafood. Here's how that would probably look …
My pick: New York Giants
Buffalo at New England (-14.5)
Ryan Fitzpatrick is Harvard educated and playing for the Buffalo Bills. Yikes. If there's not a Yale grad somewhere working as a Wal-Mart greeter, the Harvard vs. Yale debate is forever decided.
My pick: New England
Cleveland at Baltimore (-11)
The only way the Browns win this game is if the referees play for the Browns. That's the only way Ray Lewis thinks the Ravens can ever lose. Wait … have referees been playing for Cleveland all these years instead of professional athletes? That could explain a lot.
My pick: Baltimore
Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay (+3)
It's surprising that these teams are 2-0. But there are different levels of surprise. The Steelers being 2-0 is like thinking you're out of toothpaste but then – what is this? An extra tube in the closet? Great!
Whereas the Buccaneers being 2-0 is a surprise like looking out your window and seeing a unicorn fly over the moon. During the day.
My pick: Pittsburgh***
Cincinnati at Carolina (+3.5)
This game is going to be a total blowout.
But I'm only referring to Jimmy Clausen's hair. The game itself will probably be fairly close.
My pick: Cincinnati
Atlanta at New Orleans (-4)
What a terrible week for Reggie Bush. He loses his Heisman and then also loses the connection between sections of his leg. Worst of all, he's bedridden and is no longer dating Kim Kardashian.
Just imagine what that woman could do with a crutch.
My pick: New Orleans
San Francisco at Kansas City (+3)
I interrupt this game preview to bring you an important message from Chiefs rookie Dexter McCluster:
That's a great message, Dexter. However, I need to send just one last text here while I'm driving:
[[[chat]]]Me: Yo Dex. Pls nevr rap again. thx.[[[/chat]]]
My pick: San Francisco
Detroit at Minnesota (-11)
Brett Favre has a 56.1 quarterback rating so far this season. Shaun Hill has a 64.8 quarterback rating so far this season. Of course, numbers can be misleading. So let's just go ahead and say, numbers aside, that Brett Favre has been significantly worse than Shaun Hill this year. Shaun Hill. Shaun. Hill.
My pick: Minnesota
Dallas at Houston (-3)
This game could be like the scene in Rocky IV when the Soviet crowd turns and starts cheering for Rocky. Because most of the crowd at Reliant Stadium will be Houston residents who like the Cowboys. But if the Texans take the lead, they could suddenly turn and root for Houston.
I think in this analogy Jerry Jones is Ivan Drago's wife. You know, because they've both had a ton of plastic surgery.
My pick: Dallas (and to win)
4:05 p.m. ET
Washington at St. Louis (+4)
Did you know that there is a Washington University in St. Louis? I looked online and they have an Applied Linguistics minor there. Okay, and now I think I have found something as boring as this game.
My pick: Washington
Philadelphia at Jacksonville (+3)
I heard Kevin Kolb got so upset about losing his starting job that he kicked his dog. YET YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN MICHAEL VICK?!
My pick: Philadelphia
4:15 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Denver (+6)
Cris Collinsworth and Al Michaels talked at length on Sunday night about how Peyton Manning is essentially the head coach of the Colts and that he runs all of their practices. Pssssst! Hey, fellas! Don't think Jim Caldwell can't hear you saying that just because you're way up in your booth. Robots have better hearing than humans.
My pick: Indianapolis
San Diego at Seattle (+6)
Here are the starting quarterbacks of the AFC West and NFC West:
Yikes. One good quarterback (Rivers) and one quarterback with potential (Bradford). That's it. Re-Yikes.
The MLS should be putting expansion franchises in every town with more than 20,000 people west of the Mississippi.
My pick: San Diego
Oakland at Arizona (-4.5)
People keep saying that the Cardinals need Kurt Warner to get eliminated from Dancing With The Stars so he can come back and save them. Sorry, Cardinals fan, that ship has sailed. Warner has officially been deemed a "Star". That pretty much precludes him from playing for the Arizona Cardinals.
My pick: Arizona
8:20 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Miami (-2)
I hope Braylon Edwards has learned his lesson: Get pulled from the starting lineup due to a DUI the week before you play in Miami. That gives you a few extra minutes to drink at a nice club in South Beach because you don't have to be there for kickoff.
My pick: New York Jets (and to win)
8:35 p.m. ET
Green Bay at Chicago (+3)
Jay Cutler leads the NFL was a 121.2 passer rating this year.
Crap. So I guess the jokes about Cutler sucking at playing quarterback have to stop. For now. So …
Hey, did you know that Jay Cutler is dating Kristin Cavallari? I hear she likes to motorboat his neck fat.
My pick: Green Bay
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Last week vs. spread: 7-8-1
Last week just winners: 10-6
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Season vs. spread: 14-16-2
Season just winners: 19-13
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-2
***Lukewarm Locks this season: 1-3