The 7 Players on Every LLWS Team

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The Little League World Series is the unique World Series that includes teams from all over the world. But no matter where the teams come from, they all include these 7 players.

#1 — The Crier

He was a valuable member of the team all tournament season. But now that they have advanced to the Little League World Series and are playing before thousands of people every game and millions more on ESPN, his little pre-teen emotions can't handle it.

If he falls down a strike, he starts to tear up. Two strikes and he's openly weeping. Even if he gets ahead in the count, he starts to cry because — Ohmigod! I'm in a hitter's count! That's more pressure to produce!

Thankfully, The Crier's awful performance usually cuts into his playing time, because no one wants to see a 12-year-old kid piss his pants on national television. Actually, no. That would be hilarious. Keep him in there, coach!

#2 — The Giant Power Hitter

This is one freakishly enormous kid. He towers over everyone else on the team and has had his birth certificate questioned by opposing coaches more than Barack Obama's birth certificate is questioned on right wing message boards.

The Giant Power Hitter always plays first base, but it's the only time he spends on first because when he makes contact with the baseball it's always a home run. It's no stretch to imagine this kid as a future major league star — except for the fact that he's just a kid with early-onset puberty who, in five years, will be cut from his varsity team for being too small.

#3 — The Kid Whose Dad Is Risking His Job To Watch Him Play

This kid's dad only gets two weeks of vacation every year from the factory. Those weeks were long gone by the time the LLWS rolled around. Now he's AWOL from work and could lose his job … but he just loves his kid so much that he'll risk his livelihood to watch him play baseball for a week!

Or he thinks his kid is okay but really, really hates his job and wants to lose it for a reason that seems noble.

Or he's a complete dumbass who doesn't realize bankrupting his family probably isn't worth getting to see a youth baseball tournament.

It's one of these. Or a combination of them.

Note: this kid is often also The Crier.

#4 — The Coach's Son

Wow. Weird that the coach's son always make the town's All-Star roster AND gets to start every game!

Even if the TV announcers didn't identify this kid, you would easily be able to pick him out. You know how the head coach gives positive reinforcement to everyone on the team except one kid? That one kid is his son, the kid he just yanked aside and scolded: "Do that one more time and we're not going to Disney World. You get me, you little bastard?! Don't make me tell your teammate you still piss the bed!"

#5 — The Little Scrapper

He's small. Even for Little League. But he's got a lot of heart and tends to always come through in the clutch. He's basically the Little League version of David Eckstein in that he's very scrappy and is also the exact same size as David Eckstein. In five years, after his growth spurt, he will be having sex with all the girls The Giant Power Hitter is currently making out with.

#6 — The Kid With The Hot Mom

If there was a MILF World Series, this kid's mom would be MVP. Her son is just an average player on the team, but she had him when she was in her early 20s and she's still quite, uh … fetching. So every time he comes to the plate or is involved in a play, the camera gives us a nice close-up.

By the second or third game she has been told by her friends watching at home that she is getting a lot of camera time. So now she's dressing for the cameras. By the championship game she'll be wearing cut-off jean shorts and Little League buttons as pasties.

The Little Scrapper will be having sex with her by the time he's in college.

#7 — The Flamethrower

This kid has a cannon. In fact, a thousand times during the broadcast you'll be told that while his pitches travel 71 mph, it appears to the batter at Little League distances to be 95 mph! Wow!

Although … if I throw my 54 mph fastball from three-feet, it looks like I throw 294 mph, which makes me better because I'm older and know higher math and have a real job and don't have to rely on my parents to drive me to the mall. So take that, kid.

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