Lance Armstrong Denies the Claims of Everyone Who Ever Met Him

Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong strongly denied the charges today of everyone he has ever known, met or had any kind correspondence with, spoken and written.
"For whatever reason, everyone I have ever come across in my life claims I have used performance enhancers and engaged in blood doping," he said. "But I just want to remind the public that they should definitely take my word over the word of my 11,519 accusers. Oh, wait. I'm hearing we're up to 11,520 now."
The latest accuser, Armstrong's mom, says he began blood doping after his treatment for cancer.
"My mom is a goddam liar," said Armstrong. "Although she is telling the truth about the cancer I had. Remember? I had cancer. Friggin' cancer. And I've raised a lot of money for cancer research. So, you know, just think hard if you want to bring me down. Cancer, man. Cancer. If you trust these thousands of people over me, you're basically going to kill sick people."
With a federal investigation reportedly focusing on Armstrong's career, his latest accusers have included a closer circle of acquaintances, including former teammates, his mother and his dog, who spelled out LIAR on the kitchen floor with dog treats.
"Also, if anyone finds my diary, that book is full of lies," said Armstrong. "Especially the pages with my doping schedules and how I write 'I LOVE CHEATING!' over and over. My diary is just jealous."