Disclosed Baseball Financials Reveal Baseball Financials Are Incredibly Boring

Financial documents from five major league teams were leaked on Sunday and Monday, revealing that many teams' operating revenue expenditures are outgaining their expected debt disclosures or something. Who really cares.
"I think we can take one clear message from this," said Mark Hunt, an accountant who reviewed the Pittsburgh Pirates' financials. "And that's that the team's ticket revenues have, month-to-month, capped deferred payment residuals … ", he continued, blabbing on about some of the most boring shit ever.
Fans of the five teams whose financial documents were relased — the Pirates, Marlins, Rays, Mariners and Angels — have become outraged over the reports. Thousands of fans at last night's Pirates game gathered outside the stadium before the game started to chant "Who The F—k Cares!" and "We're So Bored By This We Could Die!" While Angels fans chanted "Financials Suck! Financials Suck!" and held signs depicting themselves napping or drooling.
Major Legue Baseball is attempting to find the source of the leaked documents, which are not intended to be made public.
"This is a serious matter," said a league office source. "We are constantly fighting the perception that baseball is boring. Now to have financial documents thrown into it … well, this could obviously be much worse for the sport than all of the steroids scandals combined. It's just hard to get motivated to go find who did it. I feel so drousy since the reports came out."
While the financial reports seemed to suggest that the Florida Marlins have made significant profits if you were somehow able to read that far into the reports without wanting to kill yourself, team president David Samson insisted the fans will see the benefits of those profits.
"We are committed to never having these sort of documents made public again," he said. "That is a promise to our fans. We will use those profits to beef up security so fans never have to be as bored as they are today."


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