All 5.5 Million Madden Consumers Dead in Worst Madden Jinx Ever

In what many are calling the worst “Madden Jinx” yet, all 5.5 million people who purchased this year’s edition of the game have reportedly died.
The supposed jinx – which in the past has delivered various levels of doom to cover subjects such as Marshall Faulk, Daunte Culpepper, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Shaun Alexander, Vince Young and Troy Polamalu – is usually contained to the cover subject.But clearly Drew Brees is not the victim of the Madden 11 curse because he is still alive.
Hospitals across the country began reporting high numbers of unexplained fatalities in the early morning hours after stores began selling the game – many among seemingly healthy young men aged 16-35. By the mid-morning, with the death toll skyrocketing into the millions, a working theory was developed: the Madden curse had turned on its consumers. And by early evening it was confirmed: all 5.5 million who died owned copies of Madden 11.
“It seems the focus of the jinx moved from the player pictured on the game to the little E at the bottom left of the front cover – a little E that stands for Everyone,” said President Obama. “A game rating that was intended to be welcoming to all instead welcome 5.5 million of our citizens into eternal rest.”
The five-plus million who died were stricken with severe strokes or brain aneurysms during the brightly colored, flashy intro into the game.
“All those flashing lights and photos, while exciting, when paired with the power of the Madden curse were too powerful for their brains to process and they essentially exploded,” said Robert Monsanta, Cook County (Illinois) chief coronoer.
Shawn Scott, the lead programmer of Madden Football at EA Sports, says that while tragic, the 5.5 million deaths give his job a new focus.
“We strive to improve the game every year, but sometimes that’s hard, to be honest,” said Scott. “But now for next year we’ll make it our goal: don’t kill everyone. So I think it’s all up for us from here. And I’m excited about the high percentage of first-time buyers we’ll have for Madden 12.”