30,000 Troops Sent to Secure Hotly-Contested Line of Scrimmage

The president today announced plans to send 30,000 National Guard troops to the hotly-contested border between the offense and defense in preparation for what is suspected to be an increase in violence along the line of scrimmage this fall.
"Each day livelihoods are lost, knees are blown out, yards per carry averages are destroyed along our nation's lines of scrimmage," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "It was imperative that the president step in and take action."
There is a long history of conflict along the line of scrimmage dating back to the mid-1800s. But the conflict has escalated in recent years as both sides mass larger and stronger players along the line. Perhaps most terrifying: the growth of children serving in youth forces — or "teams".
"This is calculated violence playing out on our television screens every week," said vice president Joe Biden. "We can no longer pretend it's not happening. This administration promised to take on the issues and we are."
The National Guard troops will be instructed to prevent teams from moving beyond their currently established positions, a move that will prevent violence but also end scoring.
"There is no perfect solution," said Gibbs. "Once we calm tensions we will take a look at allowing certain players to advance beyond the line of scrimmage."
The Guard has also been instructed to call penalties on all players with Mexican ancestry.