Going to the beach is a chance for rest and relaxation. For most people. But not these people. These people are ready to COMPETE!
1. The Beach Volleyball Players
Remember the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun? These people consider that to be the greatest three minutes in cinema history. They'll bump, set and spike their way through an entire week at the beach and do it with an attitude that even Val Kilmer's Ice Man would find douchey. Speaking of Ice, once these people return home from the beach and their Smirnoff buzz wanes, they'll discover they blew out their ACL way back on Tuesday. Not cool, bro!
2. The Long-Distance Swimmer
In the water there is a generally agreed upon distance from the shore — about 50 yards or so — that no one goes beyond. And if you do, the lifeguard whistles you back closer to shore. But the Long-Distance Swimmer guy can't hear the whistle because his head is in the water and he's flailing away, apparently training to be the first man to swim across the Atlantic. Nor does he care, because he is Long-Distance Swimmer guy. No teenage lifeguard is going to stand in his way of immortality. No, the teenage lifeguard will only delay his mortality when he swims out to save Long-Distance Swimmer guy, who started to get tired and is now panicking and flailing around upon seeing he's way way WAY too far out from shore.
3. The Cyclists
You have seen bike family. They all rented bikes this morning and are going to head out and explore town — and get some exercise, too! There's a lighthouse out at that point, and it's only four miles away and maybe they'll have lunch out there and … my God. Biking sucks. It's boring and painful. It's painfully boring. This is why we never do this any other week of the year. I can't believe we forgot how awful this is. Well, we can't stop now. Only another mile until the lighthouse and then four more back. It's 1:00 p.m. and 94 degrees. Surely it can't get hotter, right? Do you think the lotion you use for sunburn also works for massively chafed inner thighs?
4. The Runner (advanced)
Enjoying your run on the beach there, guy? Looks nice. Except you're running across a 30-degree include and your downhill knee will likely explode at any moment. And the back of your shirt is covered in sand. And your $115 running shoes are pretty much ruined. And — oops! WATCH OUT! I thought you saw that massive pit those kids dug. Oh, well. I'd help you out of there, but I'm relaxing.
5. The Runner (beginner)
Thought you'd get in shape on your vacation, eh? Yeah, bad idea. Really bad idea. Not only are you out of shape, but you're trying to run for the first time into a heavy wind and beneath a scorching sun. Way too ambitious. You don't have a chance. But too late now. You can't head back to your beach house after three minutes. Everyone will know you failed. Is there any place that serves ice cream at 7:45 a.m.?
6. The Football Players
Seriously, if you hit me with your football again on an overthrow I am tackling you and shoving your face in that jellyfish that washed up over there until you suffocate and die.
7. The Bodyboarder
Nothing against bodyboarding. It's really the perfect beach "sport": you get to lay down on your stomach and have cool water rush over you. What's bad about that? The only negatives are getting sand stuck deep inside your "no-touch" areas, as well as having to tug your swimsuit out from deep inside said areas while facing a few thousand people sitting on the sand in front of you. But as a relaxation sport, it's almost perfect. Just don't pretend you are doing something impressive. Bodyboarding is just surfing for pussies.
8. The Surfer
You are the king of the beach. And deservedly so. Surfing requires skill, stamina, strength and athleticism. Everyone on the beach secretly wishes they could be you. And you get all the girls. Until you're eaten by a shark. Don't worry, though. We'll be there to comfort your girlfriend and hold her all night with our non-stump hands.