NCAA Investigating Reports of Players Receiving Illicit Benefits from Jesus

The NCAA is currently looking into players at Florida, Alabama, North Carolina and South Carolina, as well as other schools, over reports that they received benefits from a close and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
"This is a serious issue," said a source in the NCAA's compliance office. "We're not just talking about a booster giving a kid some spending money or an agent loaning a car. We're talking about a relationship that impacted the outcome of games. This is an incredibly powerful guy. His hands are in everything."
The investigation is being aided by the fact that so many of the players brazenly flaunted their relationship with Christ, openly speaking about him in post-game interviews. Former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow is thought to be Christ's most high-profile client, as he wore eye black with references to him on his face and sought to direct others to him.
"The control this guy had over these kids is unbelievable," said one unnamed source. "They would talk to him morning and night. Ask him for advice on everything. Credit him for all their successes. They worshipped him. And, in return, he would help them win football games."
The NCAA believes that every college football game at every level of play was decided by Christ and has been for some time.
"Whoever served him the most, was most deferential, got the win," said the source. "Sports have never seen a fixing scandal of this magnitude."
SEC players appear to have had the closest relationship with Christ, based on the culture of the region and their success on the field. But one school thought to have received benefits has been cleared.
"Notre Dame will not be punished," said the NCAA source. "They wanted to have a relationship with Christ and even openly courted him, but it's obvious to us they received no help from him."