Miami Heat Make Request to Play Entire Season on Paper

Representatives of the Miami Heat have sent a letter to NBA Commissioner David Stern formally requesting that they be allowed to play their entire season on paper, the Associated Press has reported.
In the letter, the Heat front office explain how the sheer amount of effort and money that was put into this off season should exempt them from having to compete in real life this season, because, “any contest involved between the team we have assembled on paper and any other collection of players in the NBA would be both unnecessary and fruitless for the players, the fans, and league as a whole. I mean, come on, have youseenour roster? This is some ‘NBA Live Franchise Mode’ sh*t going on here.”
Team President Pat Riley was adamant in saying that they’re not looking for the easy way out.
“Don’t get me wrong, we still want to play all 82 regular season games," he said. "We just want to play them by matching up each individual player against his opponent of the corresponding position, and then through a mathematical evaluation based on probability, determine who would win the game if we were to actually play, which we don’t want to.”
Commissioner David Stern rejected the Heat’s offer, saying that every team has to play each other in live-action competition, adding “besides, when the lockout happens next year we’ll all be playing on paper anyways.”