Dan Gilbert Holds Press Conference In Lisping Falsetto

Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert held a press conference today to address the fallout from Lebron James departure, but spoke the entire time in a lisping, falsetto voice, undercutting many of the valid points he tried to make.
"It's time Lebron James grows up. He's a man now, not a teenager. And he needs to start acting like a man," Gilbert said to uproarious laughter. "I simply expected a measure of maturity from him and an understanding that this is a serious situation that impacts more people than just him," he added, many of his words completely drowned out by the laughter of those who had long since stopped listening to him in order to make jokes about his absurd and completely unnecessary voice.
"The people of Cweevelan demand WEESPECK!" Gilbert shrieked.
Gilbert then left the press conference to drive around Cleveland, house-to-house, to personally guarantee to Cavaliers fans that the organization would do everything it can to bring home a winner. But his oversized clown car had trouble navigating some of the city's narrower streets.
Aaah-OOOGA! Aaah-OOOGA! Gilbert sounded the car's horn as he entered each neighborhood. Outside of the many homes that refused to answer the door, he left a letter written in comic sans font.
"I decided to wite them all myself in colored markers on postee-board," the owner yelped. "It's the best way to deewiver an impowtant message!"