The City of Cleveland was spurned by NBA superstar and Northern Ohio native Lebron James on Thursday, the latest in a long line of slights against the city. "You know, I'm honestly starting to think this place might really be the shithole that outsiders say it is," said Cleveland mayor Frank Jackson. "I kind of like it here. At the very least, I am content. But I suppose other places are much, much better because absolutely no one wants to stay here. Am I dumb for sticking around?" Sheila Coleman, director of the city's Tourism Board, admitted she is also starting to have her doubts about Cleveland. "Surely there is a reason we get screwed over time after time," he said. "It can't always be other people. It has to be us, too. It's just depressing. It takes the fun out of promoting our Drifter Beautification program."