There’s not much on Versus right now.

The Stanley Cup playoffs are over. College football and basketball are long gone. The Tour de France isn't starting for a few weeks. It's a dead season for the Versus Network.
So dead, yes, that they're eagerly awaiting the start of a long bicycle race. Exciting!
Just take a look at the network's actual schedule for the next 12-plus hours …
>> 7:00 p.m. — Whacked Out Sports
Actual show description: Skiing bloopers; a boxer gets a jolt; motorcyle hunting season.
Why you might watch: You don't have a computer or Internet access and, therefore, no YouTube. Or, you can get on YouTube, but feel the site's biggest failing is that their videos aren't narrated by a really annoying person.
>> 7:30 p.m. — Whacked Out Sports
Actual show description: Roller girls.
Why you might watch: You like girls, preferably when they're rolling. And you don't have a girlfriend right now, let alone one who is rolling.
>> 8:00 p.m. — Whacked Out Sports
Actual show description: A rolling race car; pit stop in paradise.
Why you might watch: Still no YouTube, still no girlfriend. But that's okay because all you want to do, apparently, is sit on your couch and watch Whacked Out Sports. These sports are just so darn whacked out!
>> 8:30 p.m. — Versus Movie: "Tin Cup"
Actual show description: Comedy about a talented but aimless golf instructor (Kevin Costner) who enters the U.S. Open in a drive to win the heart of a student (Rene Russo).
Why you might watch: You are devastated about the destruction in the Gulf and feel that if the broadcast of a Kevin Costner movie gets good ratings, maybe that will compel the Administration to let Costner unleash his water-cleaning devices in the region. Also, Rene Russo kind of used to be hot in an unattractive way.
>> 11:00 p.m. — The Daily Line
Actual show description: A look at the night in sports, including viewer comments and questions.
Why you might watch: You want to see if Jenn Sterger will read your e-mail because this time you submitted one that didn't include a crude comment about her breasts.
>> 12:00 a.m. — World Extreme Cagefighting
Actual show description: Scheduled: Brian Bowles vs. Dominick Cruz in a bantamweight battle in Columbus, Ohio.
Why you might watch: Because, dammit, non-extreme cagefighting is full of pussies.
>> 2:00 a.m. — The Daily Line
Actual show description: A look at the night in sports, including viewer comments and questions.
Why you might watch: Jenn Sterger didn't read your e-mail. So now, during the rerun of the earlier broadcast, you're going to get her back by masturbating to her breasts.
>> 3:00 a.m. — paid programming
Actual show description: n/a
Why you might watch: Shamed by masturbating to a sports show, you decide you need to turn your life around. And the Mighty MendIt is just the thing to set you on the right path.
>> 4:00 a.m. — Hunt for Big Fish With Larry Dahlberg
Actual show description: A Hall of Fame fisherman finds and catches fish of all species.
Why you might watch: The hell? There's a fishing Hall of Fame? You gotta see this.
>> 4:30 a.m. — Quest for the One
Actual show description: Expeditions to remote areas to look for the largest fish and game on the planet.
Why you might watch: Wait. You mean to tell me Hall of Fame fisherman Larry Dahlberg didn't catch all the world's fish yet? You gotta see this.
>> 5:00 a.m. — Maui Jim's Pacific Expeditions
Actual show description: Fishing, hunting, whale watching and other outdoor pursuits in Hawaii.
Why you might watch: Can Maui Jim hold a candle to the great Larry Dahlberg? You gotta see this.
>> 5:30 a.m. — Into the Blue
Actual show description: Fishing adventures across the United States.
Why you might watch: Enjoy this show while it's still around. Soon there won't be any fish left near the United States. Also, maybe there will be a guest appearance by Larry Dahlberg!
>> 6:00 a.m. — paid programming
Actual show description: n/a
Why you might watch: So what if this guy has crazy glasses and a suit coat covered in question marks? He's making a lot of sense and you need to listen to him.
>> 7:00 a.m. — Babe Winkelman's Good Fishing
Actual show description: Fishing spots in North America.
Why you might watch: We didn't kill Canada's fish. Yet.
>> 7:30 a.m. — Sports Soup
Actual show description: A humorous take on everything in sports, from the athletes to the reporters covering them.
Why you might watch: To see if it is as awful as you remember it.
>> 8:00 a.m. — The Daily Line
Actual show description: A look at the night in sports, including viewer comments and e-mails.
Why you might watch: Masturbating is as good a way to start the day as any. It's not like you've got a job or anything to go to anyway. You're sitting around watching Versus.




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