Lebron’s Free Agent Options as Women

As Lebron James enters free agency, what else is he doing besides deciding on a long-term relationship?
Here are what all of his free agency options would be if they were women.

Cleveland —Cleveland is the girl you dated since middle school. She's not the hottest, probably a 6 or 7, but you are comfortable with her and know what to expect. You could stay with her forever and be content. And she still looks decent when she's in shape and puts on something nice and wears makeup and deodorant. But you'll always wonder if you should have left her for someone else and if you could be having amazing sex every night.
Bulls —The Bulls have everything you want. You would make a great pair. The only problem is that they had a long-term relationship with an amazing guy years ago, and no matter what you do, they'd probably always compare you to him.
Knicks — The Knicks were incredibly hot back in the day. But, sad to say, now they are all busted up. There is absolutely no reason you would want to get with this girl … save one: her dad is loaded.
Nets — The Nets are not really your type, but they have this exotic thing going. They're Russian and you've never been with a Russian girl before. Your best friend knows her well and vouches for her and maybe this is who you should be with. But in the back of your mind there's this fear that if you mess up, she'll have you killed and toss your body in a dumpster.
Clippers —The Clippers are batshit insane. Every relationship they've ever had has been a disaster, usually with their partner getting physically injured. But, still … there's something about them. They could be incredibly hot with the right makeover. And maybe you're just the person they've always needed.
Heat —The Heat look like the perfect relationship. Sure, you'll piss off your old girlfriend and all of her friends and family by getting with the Heat, but you have to take chances in life. The Heat would be an equal, talented, charismatic partner, which … is kind of terrifying. I mean, deep inside, every man wants to be in control of the relationship. Will you have that with the Heat? What if the Heat doesn't love you as much as you love the Heat? You'll always be in the Heat's debt — groveling and pathetic.
Lakers —Wow, this woman is the total package. She's hot, even by Hollywood standards… oh, but what's this? She's married? Shit. But man, is she hot. And from what I heard, she and her man had a rough patch a few years back. Ya know, if you don't mind being "that guy", I bet you could start up a "platonic friendship" with her right now, then be the guy she ends up with when she breaks up with her husband a few years from now. Sure, you'll always be "the other guy", but you'll be "the other guy" with the fame, fortune and hot wife. You should hit this.