BP took credit for the successful draining of fluid from the knee of Lakers center Andrew Bynum's today, desperate for positive press in light of the disaster in the Gulf and their inability to stem the flow of oil. "The top kill approach didn't work," said CEO Tony Hayward. "However, with knee fluid still streaming out of the incision, we were able to eventually stop it with a last-ditch junk shot approach, in which we shot golf balls and chunks of old tires at Andrew's knee. He's pretty sore, but the fluid leak has been stopped." Lakers team physician Dr. Stephen Lombardo disputed BP's claims. "They had absolutely nothing to do with Andrew's procedure," he said. "Also, f—k BP."