#1 — The Former Athlete
Oh man, did you just see that play? Yeah, he did something like that back in high school. Except instead of LeBron's 360 dunk in traffic, he's referring to that time in warm-ups when he tapped the backboard while doing a layup. But dude, seriously, he could be out there right now. If he hadn't twisted his ankle in pee wee soccer, and if his junior high coach didn't hate him — it was all politics, man; politics — he'd definitely be playing in the NBA playoffs right now. Trust him.
Fun Fact: This guy hit .264 on your slow-pitch softball team last year. He also struck out 11 times.
#2 — The Guy With Fantasy Implications
He's got players on his fantasy team playing for both teams, and every single statistical implication is either celebrated or derided like a buzzer beater. Ever see a grown man cry over a rebound? You will now. Ever see a die hard, lifelong fan cheer against his hometown team with zero sense of shame? You'll do that, too. Ever consider physically throwing someone out of your apartment? Now's the time.
Fun Fact:This guy thinks that people who go to Star Wars conventions are a "bunch of pathetic losers."
#3 — The Guy With Gambling Implications
This is The Guy With Fantasy Implications … if the fantasy implications included losing his daughter's college fund. He's put all of his available money into this game because he heard from a reliable source that the starting left tackle is undergoing marital problems. Just make sure your valuables and children are hidden when his team falls behind late in the game.
Fun Fact: This guy owes you $300, but you're tired of asking about it.
#4 — Kids
When kids are around, say goodbye to swearing and getting drunk, which, let's face it, are really the only two reasons why anyone watches sports. And while they may be just as distracting and annoying as every other grownup on this list, you obviously can't* tell kids to, "shut the f—k up" during the game's biggest moments. (*Unless you're the guy with gambling implications.)
Fun Fact:Kids will get you a beer out of the fridge for, like, a nickel. So that's a plus in their column.
#5 —The Wannabe Analyst
By day, he's an insurance claims adjuster. But by night, he's the color commentator no one asked for. Not a play goes by that doesn't result in the analysis that he gained from listening to 45 minutes of sports talk radio and 30 minutes of reading BleacherReport.com just before tipoff. It's like having your very own Jeff Van Gundy call the game, even though you already do have your very own Jeff Van Gundy, and his name is Jeff Van Gundy.
Fun Fact:When he's watching games at home, this guy "telestrates" plays on an Etch A Sketch he stole from his neice.
#6 — The Female Significant Other
This will generally go one of two unpleasant ways. If she knows nothing about sports, she probably doesn't care about sports, so she'll either spend the game asking about what's happening and/or mocking your clearly unhealthy obsession with watching grown men in shorts sweating for a couple of hours. If she's too into sports, however, that throws in a really awkward "one of the guys" dynamics that usually ends up with you questioning your sexuality.
Fun Fact:No, she is not coming onto you and she doesn't want you to follow her into the bathroom for a quickie.
#7 — The Male Significant Other
Normally this guy is a lot of fun to watch a game with. But not today, because he brought his significant other along and must be on his best behavior. If he acts like he normally does, he'll destroy her illusion that he's "different than all the other guys." So, instead, he'll sit quietly the entire game with an uncomfortable look on his face. Quiet, because he can stay out of trouble that way. Uncomfortable, because he's holding in, like, nine farts.
Fun Fact:In addition to asking for a coaster for his beer, this guy will ask for a coaster for the jar holding his testicles.
#8 — The Old Person
It's okay when an old guy explains how the game was better when players couldn't jump and touch the net, and the ball had to be re-inflated every other dribble, because he's old and who cares. But the real problem stems from that every old person watching a sporting event featuring minority athletes is a ticking time racism bomb that can go off at any moment without any provocation.
Fun Fact: This guy loves the Celtics. Well, not the current Celtics. The Celtics of Bird and McHale and Havlicek and Cousy and the "very well-spoken" Bill Russell.
#9 — The Superstitious Guy
"Hey, where the hell do you think you're going? Don't you realize that we've been on a 10-4 run while you've been sitting in that chair with your left arm at a 65 degree angle and holding that beer with the index and middle fingers in your right hand? You have to take a piss? Are youtryingto lose the game for us?"
Fun Fact: This guy has "lucky" date underwear that he doesn't wash and refuses to admit they are the reason he hasn't had sex in four years.
#10 — The Interested Foreigner
Whereas the disinterested female constantly asks questions about gameplay with a tinge of sarcasm, the interested foreigner is legitimately trying to learn the game. And he's really nice and enthusiastic, so you have no choice but to oblige. Pretty soon you'll have spent so much time explaining the various rules and intricacies of a game that you soon realize just how pointless it all is.
Fun Fact: Baseball still makes way more sense than cricket. So there.
#11 — The Psychic
Not a minute of the game goes by where this guy doesn't make a prediction as to what will happen. Sometimes he predicts what play the offense will run, sometimes he'll predict whether a shot will fall, and sometimes he'll tell when you coach is going to call a 20-second timeout. The only consistent aspect of his predictions are: A) he's always wrong and; B) he'll always remind you of that time he "called it" and predicted a game-ending Brett Favre interception.
Fun Fact: This guy went bankrupt a few years ago when his career as a day trader didn't pan out.
#12 — The Eternal Pessimist
This is kind of like The Psychic and the Wannabe Analyst had a kid, and he went off his Xanax prescription. It's only the start of the pregame show and he's already predicting a blowout loss for his team. Every single decision, from a timeout to a play call to uniform color, is the wrong one, and will ultimately lead to the destruction of the team, the franchise, the city, and humanity as a whole. And it's all because management and the coaching staff are a bunch of goddam morons.
Fun Fact: This guy's basement is stocked with canned goods and water jugs.
#13 — The "What'd I Miss?" Guy
However long a particular contest takes to finish, he's missed roughly 80% of it while talking, texting, or checking emails. But it's one thing to miss everything, and it's an entirely different thing to miss almost the entire game and come back from a phone call and ask for a play-by-play recap of what happened over the course of the last 15 minutes. Fortunately you have the social inhibition-less Super Drunk Guy to let him know how much of a dick he's being.
Fun Fact: Despite being always plugged into his communication devices, this guy someone missed that he was never invited.
#14 — The Clean Freak
"Look, you guys can celebrate all you want, just please make sure to keep the chip crumbs to a minimum. And please keep the beers on the coaster. Also if you're not going to finish the pizza please don't just leave the box open. That's how ants get in here. You know what? Screw it, I'm taking away all of the food. You've lost food privileges. God, you guys are PIGS! It's a good thing I just refilled my Swiffer WetJet."
#15 — The Super Drunk Guy
There's nothing wrong with enjoying a few fermented beverages during a game. There is, however, something wrong with the guy who takes pounding brews during a game to Kobayashi-at-Coney-Island levels. Avoiding the super drunk guy at a party is easy because you can just walk away to another part of the room, but what are you supposed to do when everyone is there to sit in one specific location? Nothing ruins the excitement of watching sports like a halftime intervention.
Fun Fact:That weird smell in your place that you haven't been able to figure out? Yeah, he puked in your utility cabinet during the Saturday of the Masters.