Rex Ryan Chosen as Site for 2014 Coronary

It’s been an exciting week for the New York metropolitan area. First, the New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey was chosen as the site for the 2014 Super Bowl. Now, the New York Post reports that Jets coach Rex Ryan has been chosen as the site for a massive 2014 coronary failure. Ryan said he was “honored” by the distinction but admitted to being a little concerned.
“Well it’s always nice to be chosen for something,” Ryan said. “I guess it’ll be pretty exciting when I feel that tightness in my chest and have to be rushed to the hospital. And I guess it will be a really good wake-up call for me to change my lifestyle. But man, it is kind of scary. I have to think: why me? It’s just…ooh, a donut! I’ll be right back.”
Ryan admits he is a good candidate for heart problems because of his unhealthy lifestyle.
“I know I’m pretty unhealthy and I don’t eat well or exercise much,” he said. “And the lap band procedure I just had is simply prolonging the inevitable. But I wonder: is it too late to stop this? Now that I know it’s going to happen, can I improve my lifestyle and prevent it? Eh, probably not. I mean it’s possible, but what’s the point in trying if it still might happen anyway? I may as well just enjoy these next few years and eat whatever I want. Speaking of which, are you done with that?"
League observers were split on whether Ryan would be the appropriate site for a massive coronary. Many felt he was the “perfect choice”while others cited coaches such as Tony Sparano or Tom Cable as better alternatives.
“I could definitely see this happening to Rex,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “I mean, he definitely fits most of the criteria. But I ask you: wouldn’t someone like Tom Cable be a better alternative? He is also rather portly, plus he’s coaching the Raiders, which carries with it added stress that could make even the most svelt body-builder vulnerable to heart attacks. For that reason, I think Ryan was the wrong choice and this is more evidence of some pro-New York bias.”
Jets owner Woody Johnson said he was not concerned with the recent announcement and that preparation for the 2010 season would proceed as planned.
“We’re not really thinking about it,” said Johnson. “We’re just focusing on what we have to do this offseason and coach Ryan has assured me he is healthy and ready to go. When 2014 rolls around – no pun intended – we’ll worry about Rex’s health. Or perhaps not because, let’s face it, by that time he’ll probably be defensive coordinator for whichever team his brother is head-coaching.”


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