9 Terrible Philly Fan Incidents … And Their Harmless Explanations

Philadelphia fans are known as the most obnoxious, violent and disgusting in all of sports. And while they wear this reputation as a badge of honor, they also — oddly — claim every infamous fan incident has been misconstrued and blown way out of proportion by the "Philly-hating media" and that this stuff "happens everywhere."
Here's a rundown of all the top (bottom?) Philadelphia fan moments and what really happened.

#9 — A drunk Phillies fan vomits all over an 11-year-old girl (April 14, 2010) — Not the whole story, guy. This game was on a Wednesday night. What was this girl doing out late at a game on a school night, huh? All this guy did was give her an up close lesson on the human digestive system. I can't believe we're at the point in this country that we're criticizing people for trying to educate kids.
#8 — Eagles fans cheer as Michael Irvin lay injured and motionless (October 11, 1999) — What?! You LIKE spinal cord injuries or something? Why would we cheer for it? Huh? Why? We were booing, like: "Boooooooooo. Paralysis sucks! Boooooooo." You're the sick one for not booing, man.
#7 — Phillies fans routinely throw batteries at Dick Allen, the team's only black player (1960s) — Sure, don't tell the whole story. The rest of the story is that Allen started wearing a batting helmet while he was in the field at home games. That kept him safer than any other player out there. But did we ever get a single thanks from him? No. But what can you expect from a lazy, ungrateful black.
#6 — Phillies fans throw trash and D-cell batteries at Cardinals outfielder J.D. Drew (August 10, 1999) — Bull crap. There haven't been any D-cell batteries in Philly since the '60s. We chucked them all at that dick Allen.
#5 — A teenage Phillies fan runs onto the field and is Tasered by a police officer (May 3, 2010) — I won't apologize for this. It was for the kid's own safety. He shouldn't be on the field. He could get hit by a battery out there.
#4 — Phillies fans throw glass bottles all over the field in response to an umpire's call (August 21, 1949) — So what. It was a stressful time. World War II and everything.
#3 — Flyers fans attack St. Louis Blues fans and the team's head coach (January 6, 1972) — Ooooooh. Look at the nerd who paid attention in history class. So it wasn't exactly World War II then. You think you're smarter than me, fag?
#2 — Eagles fans boo Santa Claus and pelt him with snowballs (December 15, 1968) — Oh, here we go again with this one. All anyone talks about is Philly fans hitting Santa Claus with snowballs. It was MORE THAN 40 YEARS AGO! GET OVER IT! Plus, that's not the real story. It's like no one cares about accuracy. Here's the really story … A) the guy was not actually Santa Claus; it was a guy in a Santa suit; B) he was drunk; and C) he wan't pelted with snowballs. He was beaten to death with a tire iron. It was my Uncle Mikey who did it. So get your f—king facts straight, jack-off.
#1 — Philadelphia installs a jail, judge and court inside Veterans Stadium to deal with unruly Eagles fans (1998)— Huh. Hmm. Yeah, well that kind of makes it seems like there might be some sort of problem. Maybe you have a point. Well, you're just lucky we've got stuff like that to protect you, 'cause I'd kick your homo ass. E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagl-(vomits).