5 Qualified Supreme Court Candidates from the Sports World

The geniuses who populate cable news are furiously debating President Obama's nomination of Elena Kagan to replace the retiring Justice Stevens.
Is Kagan the best person for the job? Who knows.
But she is a former softball player. And if President Obama wants someone with a sports background on the court, here are five other candidates he could have considered.

Tony LaRussa– baseball manager

Qualifications:Is a licensed attorney.
Landmark Rulings:Lefty v Righty,Merlot v Chianti
Potential confirmation problem:Will be unable to acceptably answer the basic Justice litmus test question of: “You don’t honestly think that Mark McGwire was clean do you? I mean, come on. Are you stupid or are you a liar?” Also, with the stress of the confirmation hearings, there's about a 1-in-10 chance he'd show up sober.

Alan Page– former NFL star

Qualifications:Associate Justice on the Minnesota Supreme Court.
Landmark Rulings:Defense v Offense,Page v Plant
Potential confirmation problem: Playing for the "Purple People Eaters" may have sounded good in his youth, but that's just the sort of extremist, cannibalism-friendly group that has done in many a candidate. His other problem? Trying too hard with the bow-tie. As a former athlete, we realize you want to make it clear you’re not a dumb jock. But a bow-tie? Dial it back a notch there, Tucker Carlson.

Mills Lane– retired boxing referee

Qualifications:TV judge
Landmark Rulings:Guy Who Couldn’t Get On Judge Judy v Lady Who Couldn’t Get On Judge Judy
Potential confirmation problem:Trademark phrase of “Let’s get it on” could possibly stoke the already awkward sexual tension between Justices Scalia and Thomas.

Ed HochuliNFL official

Qualifications:Is a practicing attorney.
Landmark Rulings:Biceps v Triceps,Shirts v Skins,Broncos v Chargers
Potential confirmation problem:Radically opposed togun control. And theJustice robe may not fit over his arms.

Byron “Whizzer” White– former star running back

Qualifications:Served on the Supreme Court from 1962-1993
Landmark Rulings:Miranda v Arizona, Roe v Wade
Potential confirmation problem:Dead.


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