5 Baseball Feats More Rare Than a Perfect Game

Oakland's Dallas Braden pitched just the 19th perfect game in major league history on Sunday. Perfect games are a rare. But a few baseball occurrences happen even less frequently.
Here they are.

1. Hitting 60 or more home runs in a season without the use of steroids
Frequency: Two times in history: Roger Maris and Babe Ruth. Sammy Sosa also hit 60-plus home runs three times, Mark McGwire twice and Barry Bonds once, but they all did it in the National League. That league blows. Also, they were taking cattle steroids, which may have helped a bit, too.
Last occurrence: 1961. Roger Maris hit 61 home runs in 1961. He never hit more than 39 in any other season. He also went bald in 1961 and died at age 51. Based on current day journalism standards, I think we can definitively say that Maris was also on ‘roids. So that makes Ruth hitting 60 in 1927 the last and only occurrence. Although … based on pictures I've seen, Ruth had a fairly large head. And it grew significantly from pictures I saw of him as a child. Sooooo … STEROIDS! STEROIDS! IT’S OBVIOUS!
2. Picking up a save without having douchey facial hair*
Frequency: Once every 10 years. So it occurs twice as often as when soul patches are in style.
Last occurrence: 2009. Albert Pujols hit a line drive past the head of Phillies closer Brad Lidge that was so hard it singed the goatee off of Lidge’s face. Lidge then retired the next three batters because they thought they were batting against someone they could respect.
*Mariano Rivera excluded. Based on his hairline, he is unable to grow hair anywhere below the peak of his skull.
3. Making it through all nine innings of a Joe Buck-Tim McCarver game on FOX
Frequency: Once every six years. Or as often as FOX’s queen of late night, Wanda Sykes, makes you laugh.
Last occurrence: 2007. An elderly man in Connecticut made it through an entire Buck-McCarver broadcast of a Red Sox-Yankees game. His family didn’t notice he had a stroke until the post-game wrap up. He died a few weeks later, crying out with his last breath: “A WALK IS WORSE THAN A HOME RUN? WHAT?! KILL ME!”
4. Finding a pink-hatted Red Sox fan who doesn’t have an STD
Frequency: Never. These women will sleep with anyone sporting so much as Red Sox t-shirt (they’ll marry you if you have a Dustin Pedroia tattoo on your calf), which means they’ve been ridden almost more than the Red Sox bandwagon in the past decade.
Last occurrence: 2005. That’s when the last STD-less pink hat had sex with Johnny Damon behind a bar. She left with genital warts, crabs, actual sea crabs and a rare monkey disease.
5. The sale of a Rusty Kuntz personalized jersey
Frequency: Once in history. Many people have tried to buy a jersey of the longtime first base coach, usually they play for their fraternity's slow-pitch softball team, only to decide against it when they realize his number isn’t 69.
Last occurrence: 2010. A women’s studies major at Missouri purchased a Kuntz jersey so she could wear it around campus to “take ownership of the term from male bigots and oppressors who use it to demean women.” She gave up her mission a day later, too humiliated to wear a jersey with ROYALS on the front.