Tiger Woods Doesn’t Win the Masters

Tiger Woods did not win the Masters.
After a five-month layoff from golf due to personal problems, Woods made his return to the sport at the Masters and reportedly finished fourth, five shots behind … three other people, including some sort of overall winner? I mean, one would assume, at least. Right?
"It's been such an incredible week, an emotional week," said a smiling guy wearing a green blazer, oddly not addressing what happened with Tiger Woods. "And to cap it off with a victory is something I can't put into words. It's something we'll share for the rest of our lives."
Woods finished playing his round of golf with some Asian guy shortly before 7:00 p.m. ET. But instead of being presented with a trophy, he walked off the course with very little fanfare. In fact, two other guys even kept playing golf behind him, which seemed kind of rude.
"It was unsuccessful. I came here to win the event. And I came in fourth," said Woods after he was done playing to a throng of reporters that probably included some of the top media outlets in golf, including TMZ, the National Inquirer, US Weekly and Fox Sports.
Despite the disappointing and stupefying outcome, Masters chairman Billy Payne called the tournament "a great success," continuing the oddness surrounding the tournament's non-Tiger-centric finish. Probably only more confusing than Payne's comments and the fact that someone not named Tiger Woods supposedly won is the fact that Woods never had sex with anything or even took out his penis during any of his rounds.