Fantasy baseball leagues use many different rules. But every league has the same people. Here they are.
#1 – The Loyal Fan
Description: His loyalty to his favorite team is unmatched. In fact, he's willing to pay 75 bucks for a fantasy baseball league, and guarantee that he loses it, just so he can have as many of his favorite players as possible. While you're spending your 10th round pick on a team's No. 2 starter or starting second baseman, he's already taking his team's utility infielder, because one time he "saw him at a charity golf event" and he was "really nice."
Team name: The Milwaukee Brewers.
#2 – The Guy Who Plays for the First Four Months, Then Stops
Description: This guy was the most excited to play this season. He'd call you during the winter meetings, discuss potential sleepers, and was the first to arrive for the draft. H'es one of the most active guys on the waiver wire and trading block for the first few months, but then, after his ace is placed on the DL or "work picks up" (lie), he just up and goes AWOL. He doesn't return your trade offers, and drifts slowly back in the standings. When you see him after the season and ask what happened, he'll say something like "Oh sorry for having a life." He is a jerk, but you need a 12th, so he'll be back next season.
Team name: A funny joke that was only relevant in April and got progressively lamer during the season.
#3 – The Guy Who Just Read Moneyball
Description: This guy got Moneyball for Christmas and finally got around to it, and oh man, you guys are in trouble. Inspired by Billy Beane, he's currently hard at work (and at his actual work, mind you) developing the best algorithm to determine a player's success. His first 12 picks, including pitchers, are taken based on who has the best On-Base Percentage. He bought a year-long subscription to Baseball Prospectus, and at the draft he throws around works like VORP without having any idea what it means. He'll end up blowing it in the playoffs, just like his hero.
Team Name: The Paul Depodestas, or VORP Speed Ahead.
#4 – The Constant Trade Proposer
Description: Ten seconds after the draft, he's already talking five-way trades for future draft picks in 2017. Sure as the sun, when you get into work every morning there's a list of three new trade possibilities from him, and just as sure is that they're awful. For some reason he thinks you'll assume giving up your ace for his fourth outfielder is a good thing, and he'll spend 25 minutes trying to convince you.
Team Name: Whatever it is, it's a really underrated name and he'd hate to give it up, but he'll give it to you for your shortstop.
#5 – The Guy Who Is Playing Fantasy Baseball For The First Time
Description: The league needed another guy, and he saw a story on 60 Minutes and thought it sounded interesting, so what the heck (you'll recognize him right away as the guy who says 'heck'). He drafts guys by the cheat sheet provided by the magazine he brought. During the season you will try to take advantage of him with outrageous trade offers, which will never happen because someone else beat you to the punch with an even more ridiculous trade offer. He'll end up in last place and grateful for the experience. He is a better man than you will ever be.
Team Name: (His first name)'s Team.
#6 – The Tandem
Description: These guys live by the adage that two brains are better than one. Except they each have 1/4 of a brain, so together they aren't even one brain. They ran out of time for their first three picks in the draft because they were busy arguing over who's better between Megan Fox and Jessica Biel. They'll lead the league in waiver wire pickups, because as soon as one picks up a guy, the other will say he sucks and waive him.
Team Name: They'll agree that it should be a sexual term, like The Cleveland Steamers. This is literally the only thing they'll agree on the entire season.
#7 – You
Description: For you, fantasy baseball is merely a welcomed distraction from whatever it is that normally occupies your time between the months of April and September. Playing with your friends, and the possibility of making some cash, is just an added bonus. And it's always nice to get together for the draft. This is what you will be telling yourself and those around you, but you and I both know the truth is you'd gladly sell any of your loved ones and/or organs for a championship, and several times during the season you will consider quitting your job and/or school to focus on fantasy full-time. It's okay, man, we're all in the same boat.
Team Name: Definitely a sex or bodily function term, but something classy like The Dutch Ovens.