Every sporting event has a winner and a loser. And every sporting event also has these 15 fans.
(Note: Hockey, soccer and football all have ties. Additionally, they're all very good at ruining snappy intros to articles.)
#1 – The Super Fan
Who They Are:They're the person leading the cheers and taking every chance to express their undying love for the team. Every visible inch of their body is covered in paint, and there's a 99% chance that the non-visible parts are painted too.
Why They Are Here:For the Super Fan, merely attending a sporting event doesn't do their level of fandom justice. No, they must make sure that everyone knows how much of a fan they are, and if that means wearing a wig and not being able to talk at work tomorrow, then so be it.
In Real Life They Are: Reproducers of human beings, believe it or not. He hasn't brought his kids to a game yet, but rest assured when he does, they'll either be scarred for life or inspired to take up the family business, ensuring a dynasty of douchery.
#2 – The Unhappy Significant Other
Who They Are:The thousands of wives and girlfriends who got dragged to the game by their boyfriends, usually spending their time crossing their arms.
Why They Are Here:They saw "Les Mis" last Saturday. And they'd much rather sit through a game than give into his request for anal.
After The Game They Will:Yell at their boyfriend or husband for constantly checking out the hot girl.
#3 – The Contest Winner
Who They Are:THE (insert local business here) FAN OF THE NIGHT!!
Why They Are Here:They came to the game to enjoy a night out watching sports, but now they're going to spend the first half nearly throwing up from nerves about the half court shot they have to take, and the second half lamenting over missing the shot.
After the Game They Will:Stay up until 3 a.m. rehashing what he did wrong and then, in a panic, try to return all of the stuff they bought thinking they were going to win $50,000.
#4 – The Corporate Executive
Who They Are:The guys in the $3,000 suit, come on! Usually they spend the game watching CNBC in the press box, but sometimes they grace the commoners with their presence, before quickly heading back inside when the smell of rift-raft overwhelms them. You'll be happy to know your bailout money went to purchasing both the hot dog in his hand and the escort on his arm.
Why They Are Here:He can clinch a deal here that will put your dad's company out of business. And the arena gets the best reception for his BlackBerry.
In Real Life They Are:Dickheads.
(Note: this is not a corporate executive. But the fact that he is sitting in a luxury box, has zero interest in the game, and is wearing an outfit that costs more than the average American's annual salary is good enough.)
#5(a) – The Well-Known Celebrity
Who They Are:The A-List actor sitting courtside at the Lakers Game with his famous friends.
Why They Are Here:To figure out which Laker girls to invite to the orgy.
After The Game They Will:Hit up nightclubs to find more girls for the orgy.
#5(b) – The Has-Been Celebrity
Who They Are:The guy sitting in the nosebleeds at the Milwaukee Bucks game who was in that movie about the thing. Crap, what was it called? I think maybe there was a talking dog in it or something?
Why They Are Here:To hold on to the last strands of fame and cultural relevance while they're shooting a low-budget film in the Milwaukee suburbs. Also, it's free mini basketball night.
After The Game They Will: Hit up TGI Friday's because appetizers are half-off tonight.
#6 – The Jumbotron Dancer
Who They Are:The person going through his entire arsenal of dance moves, from The Sprinkler to The Lawn Mower, on the Jumbotron during timeouts.
Why They Are Here:To go through his entire arsenal of dance moves, from The Sprinkler to The Lawn Mower, on the Jumbotron during timeouts (in preparation for his upcoming YouTube video).
In Real Life They Are:The fifthrunner up on Season 3 of "So You Think You Can Dance", backup dancer for Kevin Federline, and soon-to-be YouTube sensation after the JumboTron catches him falling down 10 rows of stairs during the game.
#7 – The Adult Who Brought A Baseball Glove
Who They Are:If it's a baseball game, they're someone with zero social conscience or understanding of the norms of sports attendance etiquette. If it's a football game, they're someone who is batshit insane.
Why They Are Here:To collect batting practice home runs, and to be on the receiving end of countless insults after robbing a 7-year-old of the chance to catch a foul ball.
After They Game They Will: Stand outside the players' locker room hoping to get the signature of someone half their age.
#8 – The Drunk
Who They Are: The guy who may or may not have just challenged your 8-year-old daughter to a fight after the game. He's seeing 15 players and seven refs on the court before the first television timeout, and he thinks they all suck.
Why They Are Here:They're not fans of the team as much as they're fans of getting completely wrecked in public, and make no mistake, they're the #1 fan. Also, he considers this the best place to try out some new racial slurs he's been working on.
In Real Life They Are: Still trying to relive the glory days of college, when waking up at 9 am to drink and tailgate was socially acceptable.
#9 – The Hot Girl
Who They Are:The chick over there. See? Behind the guy in the yellow shirt? Yeah, man. So hot, right?
Why They Are Here:To try out the new pink jersey she bought and to get ogled by 12,000 fans.
After The Game They Will Be:Still be out of your league.
#10 – The Eternal Optimist
Who They Are:They're the guys who remain positive no matter what the score, or how awful the team is.
Why They Are Here:To be an uplifting and positive influence on the team and the fan base as a whole. We can do this, guy! Only three more touchdowns and a two-point conversion away from getting within striking distance!
After the Game They Will:Sob like a 6-year-old.
#11 – The Guy Who Has No Clue About What's Going On
Who They Are:The people not wearing team colors, they're the ones constantly asking what just happened and cheering for the wrong team.
Why They Are Here:Their buddy had tickets, and no one else could go. Plus they thought it'd be cool to catch a baseball game once in their life, even though they're at a hockey game.
In Real Life They Are:Nerds. Stupid f-cking nerds.
#12 – The Birthday Party Attendees
Who They Are:The group of 8 and 9-year-old kids here for their friend's birthday party.
Why They Are Here:To see the mascot and their names on the JumboTron and literally no other reason.
After The Game They Will:Pick their noses and fall asleep on the car ride home. They are the future.
#13 – The Tailgater
Who They Are:The overweight men and women in the lawn chairs outside their Suburban, cracking open a cold one and firing up sausages on the grill at 9:30 on a Sunday.
Why They Are Here:To get lit up and crank some Skynyrd and eat sausages. What? Is something else happening?
After the Game They Will:Still be completely obliterated. And possibly under arrest.
#14 – The College Kids
Who They Are:College kids combine elements from every fan. They are, in essence, the Frankenfan.
Why They Are Here:To get drunk in public, start chants, drink at 9:30 in the morning, check out hot girls, yell at refs, dance on the JumboTron, and, most of all, to see the mascot.
After The Game They Will:Skip studying for their midterm and instead get in fights with fans from the other team.
#15 – The Obnoxious Fan of The Other Team
Who They Are:They're annoying guy who spent 3 months of his childhood in the city of the opposing team, and as such are full-fledged fans for life.
Why They Are Here:To taunt the other team's players, coaches, and fans in the hopes that you're experience will be ruined.
In Real Life They Are:Going to get their ass kicked as soon as they're out of sight of stadium security.