Study: Steroids Side Effects Include Fame, Fortune

An expansive, 15-year study on the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs has found that heavy use of such substances by athletes can lead to a wide array of side effects – most notably: worldwide fame and more money than one person could ever spend in a single lifetime.
“I want every child and teenager out there to know that using steroids can have a major impact on their lives,” said Dr. James O’Connor, who led the study at Harvard. “They might just think they’re taking steroids to perform better in JV football or baseball. But what they’re really doing is charting a life course that includes a career in professional sports, millions of dollars, fame, sex with beautiful women and also possibly some liver and kidney damage. But those last two aren’t guaranteed.”
Other possible side effects include breast growth and testicular atrophy among men, heart damage and even a possible link to some cancers.
“It can be a pretty ugly outcome,” said Dr. O’Connor. “Thankfully, most heavy users have become so rich playing baseball and football that they have the absolute best health care available. So they rarely get those illnesses. Although they do get STDs. We found sexual diseases are fairly prevalent among the rich and famous, what with all the carefree, random sex they have with absolutely amazing looking people. I mean, you should see the tail that steroids users get.”
Armed with the troubling results from the study, Dr. O’Connor hopes to receive funding that will raise awareness of the effects of steroids use among teenagers.
“I want every high school locker room in the country to have a poster in it with a picture of Shawne Merriman or Andy Pettitte or Rashard Lewis with the tagline: ‘Do You Want This To Be You?’” said Dr. O’Connor. “I can’t think of a clearer message.”