Steely McBeam Accused of Sexual Assault at Pittsburgh Gay Bar

The reputation of the Pittsburgh Steelers likely took another hit today with the news that Steely McBeam, the team's official mascot, has been accused of sexual assault in an incident late last night at a downtown Pittsburgh gay bar.
According to a police report, McBeam was performing in a Village People revue at Steel Rodds Bar. During a brief intermission, he followed another performer into a small bathroom where they were planning to change — McBeam into the Indian costume, his accuser into the construction worker — and allegedly forced himself on the man.
"The accuser describes the assailant as 6-foot-4 with a large, cotton-poly blend, stuffed penis," said Pittsburgh police chief David Palambo at a press conference this morning. "He claims McBeam held him down with a Styrofoam, faux-steel bar and assaulted him."
McBeam was initially questioned at the scene and responded to all of the officers' questions by waving a Terrible Towel above his head. Witnesses say he and his accuser had been drinking Cruzan Mango Rum concoctions all night.
The mascot has hired an attorney and also his own investigator, McGruff the Crime Dog, to aid his defense. So far police have not requested a DNA sample because "I don't know if mascots ejaculate," said a police spokesperson. "And thinking about it might give me nightmares."
The news of the accusation against Beam has disappointed Steelers fans.
"We all heard the stories around town about him being gay," said Steelers fan Sheila Krzyznski at a downtown deli today. "And that's fine. Pittsburgh has come a long way with that sort of thing. But it's wrong to force yourself on another person, straight or gay. And especially on the Indian, after all we have put those people through in this country."
A caller into a Pittsburgh sports radio station says the team should immediately part ways with Beam.
"We should trade him or release him," said one irate caller. "Enough is a enough. If our mascot is assaulting people at gay bars, how can we keep saying this organization is any better than all the other teams with gay, raping mascots?"
While McBeam has been questioned, Pittsburgh police are also seeking to speak to former Steelers coach Bill Cowher.
"Coach Cowher meets much of the description of the alleged assailant," said police chief Palambo. "We will have to examine him to see if he does, in fact, have a stuffed, cotton-poly blend penis. And even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't, I've always wanted to meet Coach Cowher, so I'm pretty psyched. I'm hoping he'll autograph a football for me."


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