SportsPickle’s Kentucky Derby Viewing Guide

The Kentucky Derby is this weekend, which means that you may find yourself in a situation where you need to act like you know a thing or two about the sport of kings. Here are a few facts and tips to help you enjoy the Greatest Two Minutes in Sports This Side of Bengie Molina Legging Out a Double.
– Try not to make light of the jockeys’ small statures. Atlhough they may be small, they’re people, too. Tiny, sinister, goblin-like people.
– Be sure to mix up a batch of mint juleps, the Derby’s traditional cocktail. Just mix three ounces of bourbon, five or six sprigs of mint, and a bit of sugar together in a glass, then add crushed ice. If that sounds like too much work for you, take a pull directly from your bottle of Jim Beam while chewing some Doublemint.
– To answer your question, yes, Bob Baffert’s hair is indeed on loan from the Bobby Cremins Collection.
– It’s traditional for women attending the races at Churchill Downs to wear large, garish hats. If you lack the requisite funds to make a trip to your local hatter, you can make your own lid; just make sure it looks as silly as possible. Some suggestions for particularly ridiculous embellishments include flowers, rhinestones, and the Baltimore Orioles’ logo.
– The moment of silence you observe in memory of Barbaro should be at least twice as long as the Derby itself. In fact, you might want to just take the next few days off from work in order to properly honor him.
– If you’re a fan ofWhere’s Waldo, then you’ll enjoy the shots of the infield, where most of the Derby’s drunken revelry takes place. If you look hard enough, you can spot the one woman in Louisville who Rick Pitino has yet to bed!
– Be respectful when Kentucky’s state song, “My Old Kentucky Home,” is played before the race. You may not know that the song’s original lyrics included the line, “’Tis summer, and darkies are gay,” which was a huge hit with both racists and middle schoolers. The lyrics have since been changed to reflect a more sensitive, tolerant attitude and now read, “’Tis summer, and darkies are involved in romantic relationships with members of their own sex.”
– The winning horse should pull in somewhere around $1.5 million from the race’s purse, which will make it Kentucky’s second-highest-paid athlete for this year behind just John Wall.
– The Derby is 1.25 miles long. Or, in horse racing parlance, it’s 10 furlongs long. Put another way, it’s roughly 1175 Edward Furlongs long.
– When deciding how much money to bet on the race, remember that it’s technically not gambling if your horse is a sure thing. Or if you have a hunch based on one of their names. We mean, come on. Lookin At Lucky? It's basically code for: "I'm going to win." Now there’s a name that’s worth taking out a payday loan to back!
– Remember to respect the horses. You may not think they’re athletes, but they’re nearly as fast as the best bike or the crappiest car you’ve ever owned.
– Don’t feel too bad for the owners and trainers whose horses don’t win. They’re getting one of the nicest consolation prizes in all of sports: a freezer full of horsemeat.

(ALSO SEE: The Worst (Real) Thoroughbred Names in Kentucky Derby History.)