Everybody is complaining about the length of baseball games these days, from fat umpires to self-righteous journalists, to…well, that’s about it. Here a few ways to shorten the national pastime so we can stop listening to people complain about it.
1. Put in a time limit between pitches
The SEC conference will use a pitch clock at its 2010 conference tournament. Twenty seconds will be allowed between pitches when no runners are on base. This is a common sense approach to speeding up the game. Just don't say so to SEC fans. Those people are obnoxious enough already about their football teams.
2. Provide managers with jet packs to fly to and from the mound
Instead of watching Charlie Manuel waddle to the mound like a constipated tow-truck driver, have him strap on a jetpack and zoom to the mound in less than a second! The only downside, if you can call it that, is that the jet engines would probably incinerate the manager instantly. Polyester goes up like a really ugly Christmas tree.
3. Switch to more powerful aluminum bats
How many times have you found yourself checking your watch while a line drive is en route to a fielder’s glove? Using aluminum bats will make balls get their faster, because aluminum bats are deadly projectile launchers.
4. Suspend the league leader in walks indefinitely
Suspending the league leader in walks indefinitely will prove that the league is serious about speeding up the games. Also, the fans will get to see less of Kevin Youkilis and his horrifying chin beard.
5. Outlaw “belly-itcher” chant as it gets in the pitcher’s head and forces him to slow down.
This cruel form of psychological warfare forces the pitcher to slow down, wipe his forehead in dismay, and occasionally charge over to the opposing dugout and fervently insist he does not itch his belly any more than a normal person. Get rid of it.
6. Lower the pitcher’s mound
It takes up to two seconds for most pitchers to make the long journey up the pitcher’s mound. Lowering the mound a few inches could reduce this journey to an average of 1.8 seconds. Why the league is not doing this I don’t know. It’s another example of Bud Selig’s contempt for the fans.
7. No longer allow Mariano Rivera to hock a giant loogie on the ball between every pitch
This is a time honored tradition that Yankee fans have enjoyed for many years, but it’s time for it to stop. The amount of time it takes for the tobacco-laced dollop to get from Rivera’s lips to the ball is approximately 0.7 seconds. Eliminating this practice would save valuable seconds and also make it feel like time is moving lighting fast, because time flies when you're having fun and it's really fun when the Yankees lose.
8. Shout things like "Hey, get the bat off your shoulder, dickhead!" to encourage the dickheads to get the bats off their shoulders.
A lot of these coddled bastards have never had somebody stand up to them. Shouting things like this will get their attention and take them down a peg or two. Also acceptable: “Come on, don’t be a statue!” and “We want a hit, not a hairy armpit.”
9. Prohibit pitchers from time consuming “wind-ups”
What is with all the contortions and machinations the pitchers go through before throwing the ball? Toss it in there. This isn’t performance art, douchebag.
10. Eliminate seventh inning stretch, seventh inning
It’s not quite the end of the game, it’s not quite the beginning of the game, and it’s not quite the middle. What is it? Plus the seventh-inning stretch is incredibly boring. If I wanted to stretch I’d join the Marines.
11. Continuously blare the music of John Mayer over the PA system
This will make everyone in the ballpark want to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. This could also be used to torture terrorists and fill young children with existential hopelessness, if that’s your thing.
12. Turn clocks back one hour in fifth inning
This is a no brainer. Turning back the clocks one hour will save approximately one hour.
13.Stop singing “God Bless America”
This nation has been blessed enough and it’s selfish for us to ask for more. Plus, it’s exclusionary to people who hate America.