Tiger Woods Announces He Will Return to Perkins

Tiger Woods has made it official. The world's top golfer, who has not eaten in public since his infidelities became tabloid fodder back in Thanksgiving, announced today that he will dine at the Perkins near his Windermere, Fla., home in the coming weeks.
"I think Perkins is where I need to be," said Woods.
Woods, of course, has had great success at Perkins in the past. He has routinely eaten tasty, yet wallet-friendly omelets and pancakes for breakfast, enjoyed a sandwich, some chips and a pickle after a practice round of golf, and once took home a Perkins shift manager for rough sex at his mansion.
But it's that latter fact that has some questioning his decision to return so soon.
"I don't know if he plans to go with Elin or not," said Golf Channel analyst Charlie Rymer. "But I imagine it would be awkward if they're served by the trollop he did in their bed. And also in a church parking lot once, I heard. I can't imagine Elin would want to leave a very big tip, regardless of the quality and attentiveness of the service."
If that scenario takes place, it's a challenge Woods says he is ready to accept.
"I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy and I am continuing my treatment," he said in his statement. "Although I am returning to restaurants, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life."
Woods has reportedly been making food at his home, but admits there is nothing like a hot item fresh out of the Perkins kitchen.
"The sizzling, greasy bacon. Two mounds of sunny-side-up eggs, just begging to be pierced so the juices run everywhere. And then the flapjacks. My God. Two big, thick flapjacks that you can just smother in syrup and then lick it all off," said Woods. "I am so hungry right now. So f—king hungry."


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