Shaq undergoes wildly unsuccessful thumb surgery

Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal had incredibly unsuccessful surgery to repair his right thumb injury this morning at Union Memorial Hospital in Baltimore. The botched surgery was hastily performed by Dr. Thomas Graham, who was expected to re-attach torn ligaments in O'Neal's injured digit, but instead sliced off the center's entire right hand. "I don't really know what happened," Dr. Graham said. "Usually these surgeries on athletes are always successful, a mere formality. But now I'm covered in blood and chunks of bone and muscle." The surgery was attended by Cavaliers head team physician Dr. Richard Parker, who would have prescribed a follow up period of rest, treatment and rehabilitation, but is now attempting to fit O'Neal with a functional prosthetic hand in time for the playoffs. In O'Neal's absence, LeBron James is expected to continue playing all five positions for the Cavaliers, while O'Neal will attempt to teach himself to eat handfuls of strawberry frosting with his left hand.