Economy forcing PGA Tour to consider contracting golfers

Facing dwindling sponsor dollars, television rating and tickets sales, as well as the unexpected absence of Tiger Woods, the PGA Tour announced today that it will consider contracting or relocating many of its golfers. "Some of our less successful and less profitable players may be put down," said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. "We've never had to kill off golfers before, but such is the economic reality we are facing." Many of the golfers who are spared contraction will be moved to larger markets. "We have way too many golfers from middle-of-nowhere hick towns down south," he said. "That's no way to build ratings. So the whole town of Crapsville, Mississippi — population 500 — is watching an event. Who cares? Where are the golfers from New York? From Boston? From this day forward, John Daly is from Chicago and Sergio Garcia is from Boston."