Celebrity alums break down the Sweet 16: Part 2

College sports are all about school pride.
So SportsPickle talked to famous alums from each school in the Sweet 16 to get their takes on their favorite teams.
This is Part 2. See Part 1 here.

OHIO STATE — Richard Lewis, Class of 1969
Oh, my. March Madness. What can you say? I, I, I, it's … so much pressure. So much pressure. With the shooting. And and and the, uh … the, uh … jumping. And the dribbling. All the dribbling. Have you seen all the dribbling? Round and round. Back and forth. Dribbling. Just. What. What can you say? I, I, I … it's madness. I mean, it's madness. It's more than madness. I know I could never do it. Never. I'm terrible a sports. Terrible. Just awful. Even for a Jew. I I I I I am actually allergic to sweat. And that makes me nervous. Which causes me to sweat. It's not good. It's not good at all. I mean. Just. You want a good name for it? You want a good name? It's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's craziness. March craziness. I'm going to need to see my psychiatrist for this. For the craziness. The March craziness.

TENNESSEE — Cormac McCarthy, 1951-1952
I really enjoy watching this team. It has everything you want. But I fear the season will have a disappointing ending. An ending I don't really understand.

MICHIGAN STATE — Chris Hansen, Class of 1981
Hi there. Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat?
Tell me … what are you doing here?
You realize this is called the Sweet 16, don't you? The Sweet 16 — a name for a young girl's birthday party. Does that seem appropriate to you?
And what do you have in the gym bag there? Is that a basketball and some Gatorade? So a child's toy and a sugary drink — what were you planning to do with those? At a Sweet 16 of all places? Were you planning to lure an underage girl and have sex with her? No?! Do you expect me to believe that, considering how this looks?

NORTHERN IOWA — Mona Van Duyn, Class of 1942
I was the U.S. poet laureate from 1992 to 1993 and I won the Pulitzer prize for poetry in 1991. So I thought I'd write a poem in honor of my Northern Iowa Panthers:
Roses are red
violets are blue
Unfortunately nothing rhymes with Farokhmanesh.

BAYLOR — Jeff Dunham, Class of 1986
Many people don't respect my comedy because they say I am a ventriloquist. But I'm not a ventriloquist. I am a basketball fan who has been touring for years with Billy Packer.

ST. MARY'S — Tony Martin, Class of 1935
I was one of the top crooners of the '30s, '40s and '50s. I performed with legends like George Burns, Gracie Allen, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Rita Hayworth, Judy Garland and Lana Turner. And I'm still alive. Really. At 97. Still breathing. And this Omar Samham guy has the nuts to say he likes Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift? I'm still alive, yet the respect I get at St. Mary's is people listening to that crap? F—k him. I hope my alma mater loses.

PURDUE — Jim Gaffigan, 1985
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.
I come from a very large family – nine parents.
It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?… Has someone been kidnapped?”
I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”
Good stuff, right? I guess I should mention now that I only went to Purdue for one year. I graduated from Georgetown. So I really don't care how Purdue does and I stopped paying attention to the NCAA Tournament after the first round. I just wanted to try out some jokes on you. Hope you liked them.

DUKE —Mephistopheles

And Duke by 12 in the title game.


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