Celebrity alums break down the Sweet 16: Part 1

College sports are all about school pride.
So SportsPickle talked to famous alums from each school in the Sweet 16 to get their takes on their favorite teams.

CORNELL — Janet Reno, Class of 1960
I am so proud of how far the team has gone. 29-4 and the Sweet 16. What a run. In my senior year we were only 13-10. That season I led the team in rebounds with 8.7 a game and was the first man to dunk in an Ivy League game. But this year's team has gone farther than I ever could have imagined. And they can shoot like a bunch of Branch Davidians.

KENTUCKY — Ashley Judd, Class of 2007
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Go WILDCATS!!!!!!!!!!! I love Kentucky! And I love Coach Calipari! He has instantly turned the team from an also-ran into a national title contender. I don't know how he did it so fast, but I LOVE HIM FOR IT! And I consider myself a great judge of character and I know Coach Cal is a GREAT MAN! I just have a sense for these things, you know? It's how I knew I should jump at the chance to co-star in the "Tooth Fairy" with The Rock. We missed out on an Oscar for that movie, but I know Coach Cal will get us a national championship trophy! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GO KENTUCKY!

WASHINGTON — Ted Bundy, Class of 1972
So what if I was put to death in the electric chair 21 years ago. You don't have to be alive to know that the Huskies are the hottest team in the NCAA Tournament right now. And they are going to kill whoever gets in their way. (Oh, shut up! Don't groan at me. Yeah, that was a bad pun. Fine. But I'm a serial killer, not a writer. You get hit with 2,500 volts of electricity until you're dead and see how witty and creative you feel. If I could, I'd kill you right now. But only if you are a white, female college student and between the ages of 15 and 25, per my modus operandi.)

WEST VIRGINIA — Billy Mays, 1976-77
Hi. Billy Mays here for The Flaming Couch. Tired of fumbling with your hands clapping them or wasting time making confetti? Ever wish you had some something big and flammable? Hi, Billy Mays here for The Flaming Couch! When safe and appropriate celebrations aren't enough, reach for The Flaming Couch. It's the perfect piece of furniture to set on fire for moving on in the Sweet 16. Or for losing in the Sweet 16. The Flaming Couch fits all your emotional needs. Now here's the best part! You can have The Flaming Couch for zero easy payments of zero dollars. Just go out onto your porch, pull your couch out into the yard, and set that f—ker on fire.

BUTLER — Pat Neshek, Class of 2002
I'm a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins, okay? Look, I'm as embarrassed as you are that I am the most famous alum from Butler. It was either me or Jim Jones, the Jonestown Kool-Aid guy. And I'd rather it be me representing the school than some whack job like Washington did with Ted Bundy. Let's just move on before I get more humiliated. Please.

SYRACUSE — Lisa Lampenelli, Class of 1983
Syracuse has 10 black players on their roster. Ten! You know what black guys like, don't you? HAVING SEX WITH ME, BECAUSE I HAVE A BIG ASS!
Yes, that's all I have. What were you expecting?
Oh! And something or the other about gay people being all gay and stuff. And this word: Cocks!

XAVIER — John Boehner, Class of 1977
I stay busy as House Minority Leader, but I also find time to watch my beloved Musketeers play basketball. I love basketball! In fact, it's my life's goal to get my skin to match the exact color of an official NCAA Spalding ball. Almost there! But I digress. Back to my point: we are now a socialist country and soon Obama and his fellow tyrants will force us all to carry a hammer and sickle around everywhere.

KANSAS STATE — Earl Woods, Class of 1963
I know about champions. I raised one — my son, Tiger. And I see the potential for a championship in this year's Wildcats. Head coach Frank Martin is pushing the right buttons, and guards Jacob Pullen and Denis Clemente give K-State the best backcourt in the nation. The only way they can blow it is if they lose their focus and start banging a bunch of ugly waitresses and porn stars. And I'm talking legitimately ugly ones — chicks way below what they could be pulling as a No. 2 seed. Jesus, what was he thinking?!

* CHECK BACK TOMORROW FOR PART 2 OF THE ALUMNI SWEET 16 PREVIEWS *


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