Bad Clams Force John Calipari to Vacate His Bowels

Kentucky head coach John Calipari was stripped of the contents of his stomach and bowels this morning when some bad clams he ate at dinner last night suddenly hit him.
Despite the messy situation that ruined a pair of $1,200 suit pants and sent him running to the bathroom in the middle of a press conference, disgusting bodily fluids pooling behind him, Calipari claimed to be without fault in the events that led to the incident.
"I am surprised as anyone that this happened," he said. "You go to some little Italian restaurant in upstate New York that has a notice in the window about failing code inspection and — how was I to know that I shouldn't order the clams casino and demand that the clams be extra rare? I'm sorry this happened to the people I vomited on on the way to the bathroom. But I'm as much of a victim here as anyone. My reputation is at stake."
While the restaurant will likely have to shut down and everyone around Calipari must wash off the stench of his vomit and feces, the coach himself will likely make out quite well in the end. He feels much better after vacating his bowels, is moving on to a different restaurant tonight — one of Syracuse's best — and is set to earn a significant payday in a lawsuit against the restaurant whose food sickened him.
"I realize that a lot of people got hurt along the way in my wake — one guy actually slipped in my diarrhea in the hallway, fell and hurt his back," said Calipari. "But I just want everyone to know that I am feeling great. Better than ever, actually. I can't stop smiling."
Calipari said he did his part by cleaning up the bathroom with some old UMass and Memphis apparel he had laying around.