Tiger Woods Sincerely Apologizes for Sleeping with Ugly Chicks

In his first public statement since a car accident set off a whirlwind of scrutiny and sordid revelations, Tiger Woods apologized today for hooking up with women far below the quality he could — and should have — pulled.
"I let down a lot of people," said Woods, in his statement. "It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares."
Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.
"I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid," said Woods. "These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have sex with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help."
The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.
"Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks," he said. "I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold."
Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.
"All I can ask is that people can find it in their hearts to forgive me," he said. "And, if you're a woman who is an 8, 9 or 10, to call me."