Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and with it, a bunch of ads. SportsPickle has taken the liberty of grading these ads. So if you Tivo’d the Super Bowl and want to know which ads to skip, this is the guide for you.
Also: the Saints won. Spoiled it for you, dumbass!HA!
Product: Bud Light
Description: A guy invites his friends over to his new place, which is made entirely of Bud Light cans. His friends do not experience the horror, revulsion, and pity that most would experience upon discovering their friend built a house out of beer cans. Instead, they drink eagerly. YAY! Man time!
Objective: To show viewers just how much Bud Light means to these characters.
Grade: F-. This person is badly in need of a 12-step program and his friends are enablers.
Product: Michelob Ultra Light
Description: Lance Armstrong espousing the virtues of low-carb Michelob Ultra Light, the beer he plies 23-year-old aspiring actresses with before taking them back to his hotel and banging them with Matthew McConaughey.
Objective:To reveal which beer Lance Armstrong plies 23-year-old aspiring actresses with before taking them back to his hotel and banging them with Matthew McConaughey.
Grade:A.I’ve always wanted to know that.
Product: Focus on the Family
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Description: Tim Tebow’s mom, Mary Steenburgen, talks about how glad she is that she gave birth to him instead of having an abortion. She says that now, but ask her in a year when Tebow is playing Vince Young on somebody’s practice squad.
Objective:To drive traffic to Focus on the Family’s website.
Grade: F-. Waste of money. Like we don't already spend a ton of time on Focus on the Family's website.
Description: A beaver uses Monster.com to get a job as a violinist. This is funny because beavers don’t normally play the violin.
Objective: To encourage people to use Monster.com to get a job.
Grade:F. This will probably just serve to further demean our nation’s unemployed. Seriously, if a beaver can get a job playing the violin, what’s your excuse?
Genre: Dark family drama.
Description: The worst behaved kid on earth slaps his sister’s date in the face for trying to take his Doritos. Kids have no respect these days. If that was me I would have banged his sister just out of spite. And then called child services 'cause she's letting her four-year-old sit around eating Doritos and playing video games all day.
Objective: To lament the decay of civility in our society.
Product: Ridley Scott’sRobin Hood
Genre: Tortured Melodrama/Unintentional Comedy
Description: Trailer for a seriously overwrought, ultra-violent version of “Robin Hood” that’s probably going to be “true to the source material” and depict Mr. Hood as a tortured, brooding anti-hero struggling with his identity. How unoriginally original!
Objective: To make the movie look watchable.
Grade: F-. I would rather take an arrow to the crotch than sit through this snoozefest. Also, where are all the tights?
Description:Bud Light really outdid themselves with this hilarious romp featuring four guys talking to each other in that auto-tune voice they use in rap songs! Zoink! Social satire and belly laughs? Amazing. And then some guy named T-Pain makes a cameo and has to be introduced, so you don’t think he’s the guy from Black-Eyed Peas.
Objective:To make people laugh, but more importantly, think.
Grade:A.This probably won’t sell any Bud Light, but it’s not about selling beer, it’s about selling an image. (Note: the preceding was said in an auto-tune voice, so feel free to consider it HILARIOUS!)
Description: A male voice, simmering with rage, lists the numerous ways in which he puts up with his bitch wife and refrains from opening fire on his co-workers in order to justify his purchase of a Dodge Charger.
Objective: To convince men who “follow the rules” to treat themselves to a clunky-looking, Mexican-made crapbox that probably has front-end problems like every other Dodge vehicle.
Grade:F.No discussion of the trunk space? Can it fit a dead body in there or not?
– – –
Genre: Comedy/Extremely soft-core non-porn
Description: Danica Patrick gets a massage from another woman, who recognizes her and asks if she could be the next Godaddy.com girl. Patrick says “Yes, after the massage.” The female dramatically rips open her top to reveal…a Godaddy.com t-shirt. This ad is sexy because there are two women in the same room together.
Objective: To inspire viewers to register domains with Godaddy.com.
Grade: F. Most Americans don’t actually know what it means to register a domain. Also, Danica Patrick sucks.
Description: A man on a park bench eating Doritos taunts a dog wearing an electrical anti-bark collar and then the dog turns the table by putting the collar on him, resulting in several hilarious electrical shocks caused by the man yelping for his Doritos.
Objective: To illustrate just how much dogs and people love Doritos, one of the most vile and poisonous things you can put in your body.
Grade: F-. If you tuned in to see a man rolling around on the ground with an electrical dog collar on, this ad delivered. You probably didn’t and/or you already pay good money for that channel that's way up in the 800s.