Super Bowl: Winners and Losers

We all know the score. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Tracy Porter — The Saints defensive back intercepted Brett Favre at the end of the NFC Championship Game and he intercepted Peyton Manning at the end of the Super Bowl. Why is this man intent on breaking the hearts of our nation's most revered quarterbacking heroes? And when will he complete the trifecta by spilling wine on Tom Brady's favorite Dolce & Gabbana ascot?
2. CBS cameramen — Vegas set the over/under on camera shots of Archie Manning during the game at 4.5. The over/under on camera shots of Kim Kardashian was 2.5. Finally tally? One shot of Mr. Manning, zero of Kim Kardashian. It's obvious the CBS crew put money on the under. They should be prosecuted for conspiracy and sent to jail. And then the person responsible for scheduling The Who should be executed.
3. Ringo Starr — You are the oldest living "rocker" who has yet to perform at the Super Bowl. Now don't go dying on us before next year's Super Bowl. (Not as though that would prevent you from outperforming The Who.)
4. Google — Best ad of the Super Bowl? It's at least up there.

Can't wait to see the extended version when he Googles "cures for gonorrhea", "DNA tests for babies", "How to prove you're being cheated on", and finally: "Hit men for hire in Paris".
5. college basketball — Football is over. Now the casual sports fan can start paying more attention to college hoops. Hey, is defending national champion North Carolina ranked No. 1 this year again? Really? They lost by 21? To Maryland? And they've lost to NINE other schools?! Including the College of Charleston? Okay, now you're just making stuff up.
1. my friend Kevin — He doesn't follow football. He came to my Super Bowl party. I came up with the idea for a drinking game that required him to take a shot every time the name "Pierre" was mentioned during the broadcast. A few Pierre Thomas runs and Pierre Garcon catches later, he was in bad shape. He did not make it to work today.
2. old people — Colts kicker Matt Stover, the oldest player to ever play in a Super Bowl at age 42, missed a crucial field goal. And then there was The Who. Yikes. If this was The Who that Horton heard, he would have dropped the clover on the ground, crushed it with his elephant weight, then eaten it, digested it, defecated it back onto the ground and then crushed it again just to make sure they never made another sound.
3. Peyton Manning — It's a good thing Peyton Manning has that one Super Bowl victory or he would be looked at as perhaps the biggest choker in sports history. It's also a good thing the United State has that World War II victory or we would all be speaking German right now. And just think how much meaner it would sound if we were yelling "YOU ARE A CHOKER!" at Peyton Manning in German. "SIE SIND STEHKRAGEN!"
4. San Diego Chargers — Former Chargers draft pick Eli Manning has a Super Bowl title. Former Chargers quarterback Drew Brees has a Super Bowl title. The road to the Super Bowl truly goes through San Diego.
5. non-Saints fans — This looks like quite a good time. SHOW US YOUR TITleS!