Chances are you’ll host or attend a Super Bowl party on Sunday. And chances also are approximately 97.8-percent of the people in attendance will know absolutely nothing about football.
Not a problem!
Just pass out copies of this handy Super Bowl cheat sheet, and soon all your guests will be talking football as expertly as any ex-jock (who has suffered multiple concussions).
>>> SOME CONVERSATION TIPS <<<
Don’t Question: “Why do we care what Tim Tebow thinks about a complex issue like abortion?”
Instead, Announce: “I guess it really is a shame when something dies before it ever even comes to life…like Tebow’s career as a pro quarterback!”
Don’t Wager: On the outcome of the game. You can’t win. Vegas is too good.
Instead, Bet: On the outcome of the coin flip. People will tell you it’s random chance, but heads is a lock this year.
Don’t Say: “Why is the Who playing the halftime show? Isn’t Pete Townsend a registered sex offender?”
Instead, Announce: “God, I hope this means next year’s halftime show will just be a series of short films by Roman Polanski.”
Don't Say: "The Colts' pass defense doesn't look very good."
Instead, Jeer: "A cover-two? What is this, 1997?" Don't worry about what this means. Only three or four people in the country know what a cover-two defense really is, and the chances of one of them being at your party are infinitesimally small.
Don’t Ask:“Who is winning?”
Instead, Look:At the screen and figure it out yourself. It’s somewhere on there. No, not that. That’s the game clock. And no, over there is little promo thing for a CBS show. And below that are game stats. And above that is just random scribbles on the screen done by an apparently drunk announcer with a telestrator. You know what? Just wait until the end of the game. They’ll probably announce the score then.
Don’t Say:“I just watch the game for the commercials.”
Instead, Say:Nothing! Keep your trap shut! You might talk over the commercials!
>>> KNOW THE KEY PLAYERS <<<
Peyton Manning: You know, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Not ringing any bells? Number 18 on the Colts. The blue and white team. Okay, fine: the guy with the giant forehead from all of the commercials. Yep, he plays football, too!
Archie Manning: Mediocre former Saints QB who has sired two Super-Bowl-winning sons. A powerful reminder that even if you are a loser, your semen could be destined for great things.
Drew Brees: The Saints’ star quarterback who’s helped rebuild New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Not just metaphorically, either. He spends the entire offseason hanging sheetrock in the Lower Ninth Ward. Heckuva job, Breesy!
Reggie Bush: The Saints’ nimble pass-catching, kick-returning running back. You may know him as the boyfriend with whom Kim Kardashian hasn’t released a sex tape. Yet.
Sean Payton: The Saints’ brilliant, exhausted-looking head coach. To be fair, you’d tired, too, if you hadn’t slept in five months. At this point, the only things keeping Payton alive are Mountain Dew and voodoo.
The football: Brown, oblong. It's the thing you were sometimes pelted with in elementary school. Remember now? Yeah, all that therapy didn't completely remove it from your memory.
Jim Caldwell: The Colts’ alleged head coach, Caldwell actually just lets Manning run the team while he enjoys a soothing loop of Air Supply’s greatest hits on his headset. Look for Indy to run their vaunted “All Out of Love 37” blitz at some point during the game.
Dwight Freeney’s ankle ligament: A torn piece of connective tissue attached to a very large, very fast man who will be wearing blue and white.
Jeremy Shockey: The guy on the Saints’ sideline who looks like he should be singing in a Nickelback cover band. Occasionally plays tight end, too, while looking like a guy in a Nickelback cover band wearing a helmet.
Garrett Hartley and Matt Stover: These are the kickers on each team. Only two of four guys on the field who don’t appear to think steroids is a major food group. (The other two are the punters.) You won’t need to know their names … unless one of them misses a potentially game-winning kick at the end of the game. Then that guy will become a national punchline and you’ll want to get in on the fun.
Guacamole: Popular Mexican avocado-based dip likely to be the only interesting thing about this game after the first quarter. Try it on a tortilla chip!
>>> WHAT TO LOOK FOR <<<
When the Colts have the ball: The announcing team to talk about how great Peyton Manning is.
When the Saints have the ball: The announcing team to talk about how great Peyton Manning is.
When no one has the ball: Commercials featuring Peyton Manning.
>>> HOT TOPIC OF DEBATE <<<
Peyton Manning’s frantic hand gestures before each snap. Some say he’s communicating with teammates to change the play. Others, that he’s sending sign-language messages to a deaf girlfriend in the stands. Either way, they result in touchdowns. And meet him at the airport Hilton. Room 528. He’s staying under the name “Unitas”, baby.
>>> ODDS <<<
Odds of Both Super Bowl Teams Prominently Featuring Guys Named “Pierre”: Approximately 1,000,000,000,000:1
Odds of Both Super Bowl Teams Prominently Featuring Guys Named “Reggie”: Approximately 1:1.
>>> ETIQUETTE TIP <<<
If someone refers to the Colts as “the Baltimore Colts,” don’t correct them. They’re probably very old and will croak soon, and nobody wants to put a know-it-all in their will.
>>> BY THE NUMBERS <<<
$3.01 Million: Price of a 30-second Super Bowl ad
94%: Probability that Kim Kardashian’s ass gets permanently stuck in a stadium seat
4: Number of times your dad will call to ask what a GoDaddy is
6 hours: Length of time Tony Romo will weep uncontrollably after hearing Carrie Underwood’s national anthem
45%: Likelihood that Drew Brees’ birthmark is really just a cheap ploy to draw attention away from the fact that he’s balding.
0%: Chance the game will be worth two weeks of hype.